Wednesday, March 30, 2005

big brave dog.

That’s what I’m trying to be.

But it’s not as easy as it usually seems. I mean, as we all know, being brave is never easy. At times, however, the conviction behind it makes it seem effortless.

Me? Having conviction? Damn straight.
Me? Liking my given name? Damn straight.
Me? Handling the questions and looks and double takes and comments? Not so much.

Someone told me yesterday that he’s praying for me. He meant it, I know. And he told me that he thinks I’m a very neat person. Which is very flattering.

But, unless you’re like, going through surgery or are grieving or something, hearing that someone is praying for you can be a hard thing to swallow. Just a little. I mean, everyone needs prayer. But for what is he praying? For strength? For God’s will to be done? For me to change my mind and stay with him because marriage is an eternal commitment to each other and to God?

I don’t know.

And that’s why it bothers me.

Also, the VP of Engineering was buying a soda yesterday, and I was in line behind him at the vending maching. He’s rather intimidating, but actually nice and very observant. And he asked me why I changed my last name. So I told him. And at least he had the social grace to say “I’m sorry.” And then recover with “or maybe I’m not sorry.” And I let him know that he shouldn’t be sorry, that I was very pleased with the change. As well I should be. Right? Right.

I also changed my name on my credit cards yesterday. I still love Discover. This very bubbly and boisterous woman helped me. I told her I my name had returned to my maiden name, so I needed to change it on my card, because I was getting a divorce. And for the very first time in my whole life I was likened to Jennifer Aniston. It was funny. This lady was so nice to me, and she totally made my day. Totally.

Monday, March 28, 2005

a little ditty...

There once was a lady named Carrie.
Her life had become kinda scary.
She got rid of that fop.
Clicked her heels in a hop.
Now her days are all sunny and merry!

(not incredibly wonderful, I know, but I felt like writing a limerick, okay? Okay.)

it’s official today! hooray!

Sunday, March 27, 2005

this is the picture I painted last night. It looks a tinge different in real life. I just felt like sharing this. I like it okay, but it didn't turn out how I wanted it to, so maybe I'll try again. Posted by Hello

Saturday, March 26, 2005

word to my mother.

so, a bisexual pagan chic, a newly-converted catholic aspiring to be a judge college student, a soon-to-be-divorced artsy girlie chemical engineer, a still-don't-know-how-he'll-turn-out middle schooler and a still hippie/mystic mom walk into a bar.

and you, my friends, have my family. See if you can piece it together.

I pointed this out to my mom, and you know what she said? "And you're all still talking to me." I love it.

So I've had a bit of clarity today.

1. My mom rocks. She really does.
2. My friends are awesome. And in particular, I'd like to thank two of you for not only being my friends, but for sharing Bible studies and political viewpoints and boy gossip and life stuff with me.
3. I really do come from my family. I only seem like I don't fit 'cause none of us actually fit. And that's why we do fit. Kind of by default, I guess. But I like it. And it makes a lot of sense.

Also, my Advances in Pollution Prevention grad class may ruin my ability to paint. Because that's what I'm learning about. My group project is on paint manufacturing. And this week's problem was on paint manufacturing. All in all I spent at least 10-12 hours in the past three days thinking about paint manufacturing and its ramifications environmentally.

So what am I going to do?
Make magnolia bakery cupcakes.
Listen to the new green day (for the eleventy-billionth time today)
have a beer
and then paint anyway. mmm mmm mmm I love acrylics!

rooting for the underdog

often leads to disappointment.

NC State lost. In a hell of a game. Where they kept putting threes in the bucket. Over and over.

So, it's 730am on Saturday. And I can't sleep anymore. I went to bed at 11. I was tired--exhausted really--and I'd already slept a total of 11 hours since the night before. And now with seven and a half more under my belt (I woke up at 630 and tried to read for a while and play with Gobi) I find myself asking--do I mo-po, crochet, paint? Do I watch Angel Season 5 while I do so? Will it wake up Jeff who is just now going to bed and sleeps in the room next to mine?

This is the second day in a row that I've been waking up right when someone else is going to bed. Today it was Jeff. Yesterday it was Otto in Vegas. (PS-ladies, they're staying in the tropicana. remember the tropicana? yeah, the Luxor was waaay cooler--good job finding that hotel!)

So I played on facebook for a while, and now I'm trying to decide what to do. I have homework due tomorrow, but I refuse to do that before 11am, 'cause that's just wrong. So maybe I'll cut up more stuff to mo-po. And then go to the gym and make a target run. Because I can. Hmm. Decisions, decisions. Bet you're wishing I had an inner monologue right now, huh?

Also, incase you non-cat-owners are not aware, cats almost always want to play at the precise moment when you want to sleep. It seems never to fail.


Friday, March 25, 2005


I've gone and done it.
Applied for a job.
Possibly betraying the company that gave me first job.
And then repeatedly made my life full of anguish and frustration.
I thought I felt bad.
But maybe instead I feel exhilarated.

and by the way, I have a new medicine to add to the list. chalk up on more steroid pack. damn.

staten island ferry beauties... Posted by Hello

this was in the background of our mosex picture. seemed appropriate to crop it and place it on my blog, since this sh*t is bananas, b-a-n-a-n-a-s! Posted by Hello

geez, louise.

My class is stinking it up big time. No pun intended (since it focuses a lot on wastewater). In NC they get Good Friday as a holiday (no fair!) and yet we still have two—yes, two assignments due. Plus—the State game is on at 730 on Friday. And the Good Friday services start at 7. How odd to have a HUGE basketball game at the same time as most Good Friday services. In the state where GF is a holiday. I mean, I know the game is in St. Louis, but sheesh! So I’m going to go remember how Jesus died for my sins and then go drink a 40 while I watch the game? Or not go to the service at all.

Maybe I’m going straight to hell. Okay, not really, but still. I mean, one Good Friday I went and got my tattoo…

Timing is random. And gets more random daily. But I love it that Audrey said the following about timing: “it doesn't follow the rules that you set up. It just happens. When the time it right. But that doesn't mean that you have to think that the time is right. It just is.” But damn. Job timing, friends timing, people timing, you name it. Damn.

I went to the gym for the first time since I bought my membership. What with being sick and surgery and all I’ve been unable to go. And I purchased the membership nearly two months ago. Thank goodness it wasn’t super expensive. I feel like I’m actually taking care of my body or something.

Work. It stinks. I feel undervalued and underpaid, and I feel like my input has little or no worth. I was actually told to just do my job because that’s my responsibility at the end of the day. It wasn’t said in a mean way, just in a matter-of-fact way. But we know so little about our product, and the information we do have is unreliable at best. So maybe that old adage was right—when ignorance is bliss, ‘tis folly to be wise.

So, anybody wanna proofread my resume and cover letter for me?

Ah, the banes of email. Sorry for the misunderstanding. But I do want to be pretty as a (insert veggie here). And Cabbage and Cucumber are out of the question.

The M-O was fun. And weird. And you’re right, it was even weirder since we shared that with random people. But—and this is awesome—in the back of one of the pictures I saw the picture below, and I’m pumped about it. Hi-larious.

My nose still hurts. And I still have a sinus infection. But six courses of antibiotic and one course of steroids just don’t seem milk-like. As in they don’t do a body good. I wanted to go to bed. But instead I studied for like three hours. And now my throat is swollen again. And I'm going to have to ask for more medicine again. Would it be inappropriate to ask them for one that doesn't make me not have to drink? After all, I have a game to watch tonight, and state ball without beer might be against the law 'round these here parts.

Octo: gone. That’s where everyone at work is. For the Friday of Goodness.

Novem: brr. It was nice outside yesterday, until we decided to sit outside for lunch. The sky was all pretty and blue and misleading. But me and my skirt and heels were not too pleased with the temperature since it was windy. But at least I got to wear my new pink sweater!

Decem: and him and him and him. Or not. Violence (aka decking him—ha!) for the inappropriate kisser is not necessary. We were all very drunk, and he backed off immediately. But thanks for being a great little bro.

Enough with the counting already, I know. But yay for Latin. I actually met someone this weekend who also took Latin for four years, and who also took the National Latin Exam. He’s a mechanical engineer.


Bah! Work. And requesting medicine. And looking for a new job.

And I’ll be writing stuff for Project: Super Secret this weekend. Oopsie.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

a bit of a flashback.

Jonathan Tanner, this one's for you.

Know what I almost said today? Look that up--in your Funk & Wagnall's.


I laughed for a whole minute and the person I was with had no idea what I was laughing about.

For those of you who were oh-so-concerned, I recovered from my hangover quite nicely. Our rep (who had encouraged this, by the way) teased us a little, and tried to push me over when I was kneeling down to see how hungover I was. But I stayed steadying, seeing as how I was using my hollow leg for balance, and all went well. I even moved heavy stuff. But I'll tell you what--recently surgerized noses don't care much for smoke. Eeew.

Today it is raining. I was pumped about wearing a skirt today with one of my cute new sweaters, but alas, it is raining, and I learned a lesson when I was five about wearing slick shoes in the rain. Of course, my lesson involved a gravel playground, follow-the-leader and some stiches on my upper lip/lower nose, along with some overgrown skin and a permanent scar, which is unlikely to happen here, but still.

Also, I have a request. Should you see a keychain license plate in Oklahoma that says Mattie or Matilda, could you please get it for me? She was so happy to see me yesterday, and I was glad to see her too. She's fan-damn-tastic.

time for work. Which I'll have to tell you more about later. yeesh. the times they are a-changin'!

have a good wednesday.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

aw, hell.

yes friends, that's the sound of a girl who has woken up in that nice state of still a little drunk, and on the verge of developing a hangover. Did I mention that I have to pack up my stuff now? yeesh.

and it wasn't Carson Daily. It was a damn look-alike. Spitting image, really, but not Carson. From TRL, Adam. Annoying as hell, second rate celebrity who's actually kind of hot, that's who Carson is. But by the time we shut the bar down it didn't really matter whether he was Carson or Jeff. I was too drunk to care.

And now I'm going to get dressed and shove stuff into my suitcases so I can go try not to fall asleep in some papers. And I have a pigeon on my balcony. He keeps looking at me.

One last thing--just for the record it is not nice to try to kiss girls when they are drunk if they don't wanna be kissed. Dancing with you is completely different than wanting to make out with you. For the record.


Monday, March 21, 2005

you're never gonna believe this, but...

I'm in Myrtle Beach. At the SC show. And tonight there's a distinct possibility that I might be hanging with Carson Daily. Yes, that Carson Daily. Apparently this guy named Baker, who's 25 and who's rep is our rep is friends with a guy who's friends with him. We'll see. Anyhow, I'll keep you posted.

I'll tell you more about New York later. I just had to let my adoring public (aka regular readers, who aren't necessarily my adoring public, but that's just more fun to say) know about the potential Carson Daily thing prior to going out tonight. Otherwise, it would be more lame if he didn't show up and I told y'all later anyway.

super random, sorry.


Friday, March 18, 2005

start spreadin' the news

does that conjure up images of a musical? The muppets? Gremlins?

says a lot about you what you recall when you hear that, don't ya know? (like a cow, don't ya know--ah, a Christmas Carol.)

So, you're probably wondering what I'm doing blogging in New York. Truth is I'm waiting for slow Jessica to get out of the shower. She blames it on her hair. Which is hilarious.

I have learned some valuable lessons in my day here. Namely, don't tell your best friends the stupid things you say or they'll have ammunition with which to tease you, and if you ask a drunk guy to take your picture, be prepared for him to only capure your chests in the frame. The end.

Today we go on a double decker bus tour, to the sex museum and we're gonna see a show. And maybe eat Thai food. But whatever we do, we'll have a damn fun time. Because my bestest friends are, well, the bestest. And apparently Jessica is as pretty as a cucumber. And our chests are picture-worthy. And we talk waaaay too loudly, and we may very well be going straight to hell for saying things like a-damn-men and halle-freaking-lujah. There should totally be beer in church.


days in NY:1
days til official name change:5
days I've desperately wanted a new job:2

later, gators.

Monday, March 14, 2005

uh huh this my sh*t

All the girls stomp your feet like this.

no, really.

So, the new Gwen Stefani album is well, um...catchy? It does get stuck in your head. It was touted as 80's-'riffic. And it is, I guess. But were the 80's that 80-'riffic? I mean, other than the cool people born then. Riiiiight. Anyway.

Ethics are so odd. So odd. It baffles me that, well, say you have a chemical process with nasty stuff coming out of it. And you put a scrubber on the back end to clean the stuff coming out, but that scrubber is getting plugged and it isn't working well. But it's been there a long time. And so some gung-ho hot shot engineer gets all pumped and decides to design a new system, and it is implemented. It's a bazillion times better than before. Even when that old scrubber is working properly, and is at its fully capacity, it is still crummy compared to this new system.

But by cleaning up the air, you've actually put yourself in bigger trouble. You see, upgrading that system might have been ethical, but it wasn't legal if you didn't go through the crazy mumbo-jumbo with the state, city, etc. And for your trouble your company is being fined $10,000 per day since that change was implemented, up until when/if it is approved by the city/state, etc.


Also, odd. Why in the world are all the women on 24 sneaky, conniving, bitchy, power hungry and flighty. And why are they so driven by their emotions? I mean, I admit that I have moments of being all those things, but it's super over the top. And the real question is this--who's writing the female characters this way? Is it the men, making a statement? Or is it the women, showing the "potential" of females in the workforce or something like that? Odd.

Women are strong, but geez. That's waaaay too much.

gotta watch the rest of my lecture. stupid test. I hope I get to take it before the CFT adventure begins!

Saturday, March 12, 2005


I need cd recommendations.

was it rogue wave?
can't remember.

and is the new(er) REM any good?

a coming out party

yes, you read that right.

I'm going to have one.

And I'm pumped.

And no, I'm not a lesbian (not that there's anything wrong with that--or maybe there is--but it's not my place to judge...anyway)

I went as a trauma victim to the hospital party last night. I was "immunized" at the door with vodka in a syringe (no needle, it was clean, and no sharing either!) and had a flaming dr pepper and some other shots (yeesh!) and some of my little bro's fave beer. Like three of 'em. MMM MMM good.

And anyway, everyone was thrilled that a certain *ahem* person is out of my life, and they liked my new romantic interest. So all was very well. Except for having to go get saline in the middle of the party because brownish stuff was practically pouring out of my nose. Yuck. It was pretty funny though--walking into the grocery store at 1130 at night. I had fake bruises on my face and arm and blood coming out of my mouth, ear and forehead. I'm sure the police officer thought it was weird. There were two of us in that getup, plus Ariel in the surgery gown thing. So funny.

So anyhow, while at the party, someone suggested that I have a coming out party. A meet CR party. Kind of like a debutante ball or whatever. It's necessary since everybody here knows me by my married name. So now that that's over with (or at least getting there) they can meet the new improved me. Or whatever. Anyhow, it should be fun. And a wonderful excuse to 1) drink a lot and 2) buy a new outfit. Hoorah.

I spent most of the day cleaning. Sometimes people don't realize the maintenance involved in having the things they want to own. Like a house. I think that between the drinking last night and the 4+ hours of cleaning today I really did myself 'cause I feel shit-tastic. After watching the NCState game (which we lost because we can't get a rebound to save our life) I crashed for almost three hours. I had to watch the end of the game because well, I had to, but it was miserable. I ate chicken tenders and fries for dinner, and could barely finish half of 'em. Plus, more brown goo is seeping out of my nostrils, and I just don't like it. It is amazing how much stuff your sinus passages can hold. A-damn-mazing.

Time to crochet and watch TV and then go to bed.

Hope you're having fun in cool places. Like CA and NY and OK. T-minus five days and counting until CFT weekend of fun, drinking, shopping, a broadway show, a sex museum and crafts. I'm so excited!!!

Friday, March 11, 2005


it is so funny to me how days have this up an down, sinusoidal rhythm/curse to them. Changing everything. I'll explain later. But it's crazy. Silly roller-coaster. How can you mourn and cry and belly laugh all in the same day? Why is it that a single phone call, and the timing of it, can give you a twinge of guilt? And who's bright idea was it to make it so damn cold outside?

Especially since I talked to Melissa Hyatt tonight. And found a damn funny poem that I just loved when it was written. Even though it called me vain (for rhyming purposes, he swears!) and I found my favorite poem I've ever written. wow.

I need your help (again).

Tonight I'm going to a "You Can't Spell Hospitality Without Hospital" party. A birthday party for a guy in med school. And I'm bringing a date and we're supposed to dress up. But as what?

Drug dealers?
Car crash victims?
A pimp and ho?

It's supposed to be people who'd be in the hospital. And I want to dress up, but I don't want to have to ruin any of my clothes in the process, and I don't want to freeze to death. Looks like some oregano, flour and some kind of blue pills my be purchased. Unless someone has a better idea...

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

done and done.

R*chardson, check.
(As soon as they'll let me. Gotta find out how to do that. And hell, even if it costs me, I think I'd rather get it done now than wait until our "year of separation" is up. It will be a weird change, but one very much going through. And yes, he is, as you so eloquently put it, a f*cktard. Well put.)

Matilda Tallulah, check.
(My car has a middle name. It chooses to go by its first name only, but it TOTALLY has a middle name. I like Tallulah. Though it makes me think of Bruce and Demi. But I like it.)

and dreams about green apples with browning leaves. and crayons.

and it's kind of cold here, and I don't like it.

and I think it's so funny that here I went through all this surgery to get yet another sinus infection. Yes, yet another. they warned me about this, but it's still bothersome....

ah work. thank goodness I get paid to go to you.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005


I'll do it right away, I swear. Ever notice how things always pile up on ya? Yeah.

The new Kathleen Edwards is good. Just as failer was. Need a mellow but clever and just plain ol' good cd? Go buy it. Either of 'em.

I'm having a name crisis.
Mine, and my car's.

I thought about calling my car Maggie. What do you think of Maggie? Or Moxie? Or Blithe. I think it's gotta be Moxie (energy, pep, courage, determination, know-how and/expertise) or Blithe (of a happy lighthearted character or disposition). opinions? I think I can guess which one you'll suggest.

And the other is mine. Someone pointed out to me that I may have to hang on to my current last name for quite some time. Or maybe even forever. But it's just a name. But maybe I should change it back. I think it's the thing to do. And I shouldn't be afraid of what people might say or think. Because those who ask why it's changed clearly don't know me, and clearly don't matter nearly as much as my comfort. Not to be self-important, but you get the idea.

I think I need opinions. Or support. Or a nap since I woke up at 4 after going to be at 12. And damn if it isn't raining outside...

Monday, March 07, 2005

for the record

I would have gone to the porn shop if we hadn't already passed it. It just wasn't worth the trouble of turning around.

It's okay to pass up going to a porn shop with your brother. It's not as cool to pass up going to a sex museum in new york with your two best friends.

I REALLY like cooking for guys. Especially the kind that 1)compliment your food when it's yummy and 2)aren't super picky and 3)are willing to try new foods and let you cook whatever the hell you want however the hell you want it and 4)do the dishes and refuse to even let you clear your own plate. Oooh, and I like it when they want to have seconds of the food 'cause they're hungry and the food it yummy. It's really great, actually. It takes about 10% more effort to cook for three than it does to cook for one. So it's well worth the time and effort. Hooray.

And work today, though very busy, was also kind of fun. weird.


more strange dreams this weekend. I'm going to stop thinking about them quite so much and blame it on my nose situation. Which, by the way, is improving rapidly. Though it was kind of scary to have neon turquoise stuff coming out of my nose yesterday. Thank goodness Otto suggested that it might be the packing--otherwise I might have gotten into quite the panic.

I liked Annie Hall by the way. Makes me think of When Harry Met Sally, but a little more clever. Would you agree?

And I am almost excited about going back to work. Hoorah! Laying in bed all day has its appeal, but it's much better to do that when it's 'cause you don't have anything you have to do, you know?

I can't wait to see my CFTs! And by the way, it's official. We're going to the sex museum. And we're getting tshirts.

have a most excellent monday.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

curiouser and curiouser

So, weird dream last night and the night before...

Night before.
My boss, who never yells, was yelling at me. At my review (which I've already had and which went very well. Some constructive criticism, some compliments, etc). And he kept asking "how can you have the audacity to..." Take a week off, use the internet at work, come in after eight, only work eight hour days instead of ten. It was weird. And there was this lighting system behind him. The lights were white/clear, yellow, blue and red. And they got brighter and went on in order as 1) time passed and 2) he got angrier.

So weird. When I woke up I was almost crying. It was so weird. So trusty ol'dreammoods says:

To see your boss in your dream, represents the bossy or authoritative side of your own personality. Your boss may reveal self-confidence and the assertive aspect of yourself. It is telling of your issues of control and authority. Alternatively, to see your boss in your dream may indicate your over-involvement or obsession with your work. Negatively, the boss in your dream may symbolize your limitations and lack of freedom/originality.
To dream that you are afraid of your boss, indicates your fear of authority. You may feel that someone else is running your life or dictating what you can and can not do.

White represents purity, perfection, peace, innocence, dignity, cleanliness, awareness, and new beginnings. You may be experiencing a reawakening or have a fresh outlook on life. However, in Eastern cultures, white is associated with death and mourning.

The color yellow has both positive and negative connotations. If the dream is a pleasant one, then the color yellow is symbolic of intellect, energy, agility, happiness, harmony, and wisdom. On the other hand, if the dream is an unpleasant one, then the color represents cowardice and sickness. You may have a fear or an inability to make a decision or take action. As a result, you are experiencing many setbacks.

Blue represents truth, wisdom, heaven, eternity, devotion, tranquility, loyalty and openness. The presence of this color in your dream, may symbolize your spiritual guide and your optimism of the future. You have clarity of mind.
Depending on the context of your dream, the color blue may also be a metaphor of "being blue" and feeling sad.

Red is an indication of raw energy, force, vigor, intense passion, aggression, power, courage and passion. The color red has deep emotional and spiritual connotations.
Red is also the color of danger, shame, sexual impulses and urges. Perhaps you need to stop and think about your actions.

Umm. Right, so that was helpful.

And then last night. I've had this one a couple of times before, but I hadn't remembered it. In the first dream I had about this my dad was living in the apartment complex he'd lived in when I was younger. And in my dream there was another floor above him with tiny apts--ones with a small kitchen, too-short ceilings a living room and a closet of a bedroom. It was full of his stuff--his furniture, his dishes, and a coffee table that was actually my mom's. And it felt like these apartments were some type of a secret or something. Like people didn't know they were there. Anyhow, I had been living up there. And I had gotten angry and him and left.

Well, so here's where my new dream starts.
I go into the upstairs apartment and everything's like I left it. Eerie, actually. The windows are open and the curtains are blowing in the breeze. And it smells a little, but not much since I haven't been gone all that long. Or maybe I have, I can't tell. I see this yellow and brown and tan afghan we had at my mom's, and I'm so confused. I keep thinking "my dad lives here" and then "but my dad can't live here." And it's so strange. And then I wake up. And I remember that my dad is no longer alive.

To see your father in your dream, symbolizes authority and protection. It suggests that you need to be more self-reliant. Consider also your waking relationship with your father.

To see or dream that you are shutting the curtains, signifies secrecy and a repression of thoughts. You are concealing a personal matter or an aspect of yourself. On the other hand, to dream that you are opening the curtains, indicates that you are ready to reveal something hidden.

To feel a breeze in your dream, represents the movement of ideas and minor changes.

To see a blanket in your dream, symbolizes warmth, love, security and protection. You may be seeking for some form of shelter from the outside world. Consider also how your dream may be calling attention to a "cover-up" in some situation or circumstance in your waking life.

Sorry, this one was boring. At least, the dreammoods stuff was. But weird dreams, eh?

Oh, and superweird. I can't sleep anymore. I woke up at 7, and I can't sleep. I took the pain meds at 530 when I woke up in pain, and now I can't sleep. I've been cleaning for crying out loud.

Maybe I'll put some laundry in (one piece at a time since I'm still not supposed to lift anything) and then watch a lecture. Hopefully that will put me to sleep.
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