The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry

yeesh.

So, my brilliant, yes, BRILLIANT plan last night was to come home and take a nap, and then watch a lecture or two since I'm absolutely behind, and then maybe read or something and go to bed.

yeah, right.

so, what did I do instead?

guesses anyone?

I had two beers at the Ale House with work folk. And then came home and Jeff and I had a heart to heart (over some cheap-but-makes-you-good-and-drunk merlot), and then I talked to Aaron for a little bit, and then I went to bed. Well, sort of. I put on my pjs and went to turn down the blaring elton. And they were nice about it. And then I went to my room. And promptly came out because the said elton was again blaring. but this time I was coerced into having a beer and playing circle of death.

nine, nine, bust a rhyme.

I came up with the best category ever, by the way. Curse words. Yikes.

oh, and did I mention that there were only three of us? Yup, one-two-three.

Anyway...

Yesterday was bad for another reason too.

Okay, so I totally got in trouble. For being LOUD. Me, loud? Never.

Okay, maybe a little. Or even a lot. But I sit next to this grumpy gus who is rude and impolite and slams his door and never says excuse me. I do not care for him. But I am nice nonetheless. Anyway. Grr.

My boss (Will) was rather cool about it, though. I could tell it was very awkward for him. How do you tell an adult that they are too loud without sounding like a buffoon?

He told me he appreciated my enthusiasm and how quickly I work, and he understands that if you’re operating as quickly as I am one could easily get carried away (no pun intended), but that it might be good for me to take time to consider my neighbors, since two of them have complained. The reality of it is that there’s that big wall across the way from me, and it reflects the sound. Oh well. It’s just upsetting a teensy weensy bit. But I’ll get over it. And maybe buy myself some nice headphones. Seems as though these people have super-hearing as well. Sheesh.

Oh, and PS, "Pot, this is Kettle. You're black."
dammit.

I need to get dressed now. stupid work and stupid crazy weekend and stupid stupid me for stupid staying awake. stupid.

also, cold. brrrrrr.

the tequila made me sick

well, it did.

bleeeeech.

anyway. I did homework last night. I feel like I'm in college again. Which, technically, I am. And to make matters worse, my friend Terry and I made jokes--yes, jokes--about how asking if he could see my calculator could be a pick-up line. Of course, Terry is the boy who, upon being hit on terribly terribly hard (my god this girl was a menace) said to her "I like chemistry and math" and she replied with "oooooh, you're soooo smart!" Goodness.

Anyway, lessons I've learned:
cheap tequila is cheap tequila. and it makes me sick.
I have a job waiting for me in Denmark/Sweden/France.
Gobi loves me. loves me, loves me, loves me.

the end.
have a nice day.

outsmarting inanimate objects-or-the beauty of technology

Okay, that title is a bunch of crap, but still. It works.

I got hello to work!!! See the loverly pictures below? Yay for outsmarting it. All it took was some patience, really.

I bought two very useful items yesterday. And external hard drive (why didn't I think of that sooner when my whole issue is that I don't like storing my music, documents, etc. or my work computer?!? silly me) and a cool mist humidifier (stupid nose and its stupid bleeding). Hopefully both will work out swimmingly. (yet another strange saying that I like to use--anybody know where that one came from?)

So I'm very much taking advantage of the bereavement policy at work. I'm completely begin lame because I'm even taking my last half day of it this morning so I can sleep in. But I have quite the harrowing weekend so you can't blame me too much. Here's the skinny:

from Friday to Monday evening
12 hours of driving in a car
6.5 hours of riding (and sleeping a LOT) in the car
13 hours of flying or waiting in airports
2 separate deaths
1 tired tired Carrie.
ooh, but I did get to go get some TU stuff. That was fun. And I bought hot pink luggage. Because hey, every girl needs hot pink luggage, right? Well, every six year old, twenty-four year old and then when I'm seventy I can have whatever color of luggage I damn well please. Of course, if it's hot pink then people will think I borrowed it from my niece.

anyway.

So, another puzzling/alarming/reasonable realization came to me today. I'm not sleepy, but I'm always always always tired. And I think maybe I'm sleeping so I don't have to do anything else.

that ain't good.
gotta snap out of this funk.

Oh, and todayI made someone belly laugh by saying "I'm fine." Why, you ask? Because I didn't say "I'm fine." I said "ahm faihn." The southern drawl is creeping in. I heard it in the way I said North Carolina (Nourth Carealainuh) when I was telling someone about Raleigh, and now it's infiltrating my other "i's" as well. Damn the southerners and their damn lazy way of speaking. It's so easy to fit right in as long as you don't enunciate and pronounce every single vowel (and sometimes letter) in the word.

Now I'm drinkin' sweet tea, eatin' fried chicken and losing all semblance of sounding like I'm not from 'round here.

I like Raleigh :)

the infamous? chest of drawers... 

the Oklahoma sky... 

at the airport

so, what do you do when you're chilling at the airport waiting for your flight and paying $5.95 for internet 'cause your work's wireless care doo-hickee thing-a-ma-bob doesn't work?

you add to your blog.

Today was so so weird. I'm sure you've all experienced it--going back to somewhere you spent hours and hours of your life and now you aren't exactly a part of it anymore. I went to the KayDee house, and I went into Kep (the engineering hall) and I saw some of my old professors. And (best of all, in my opinion) I saw some KDs WEARING THEIR LETTERS in Kep. That used to never ever happen. They aren't Kep-ees, but it still counts. Totally made my day. And made me feel damn old.

By the way, does anyone know how to shake the feeling of being totally jaded? 'Cause I got it. I'm not too pleased about it. I want to quit everything and sleep for a long time.

Ooh boy, time to board pretty much. Let's shutteth down the computer.

I miss Oklahoma already. I think I took 50 pictures of the sky. I still can't figure out hello, but damn I'm going to try so I can show you my pretty picture.

sub arbore

that's where they all are in greenleaf...sub arbore.

so, the guy kept saying "the flowers of the field, the grass of the lawn, the beasts of the field an d the fowl of the air." over and over and over

when I die puh-leeze do not put me in a 20 gauge steel baby blue casket with twelve oval displays of seven birds flying on the sides. but please do remind people how I love to laugh and paint and dance and sing and that my favorite thing to do in the world is smile. and to love and feel loved. I'm so glad they reminded us that she liked to dance. I don't want to be buried, but I'd still like to be sub arbore.

My Grandma LaLa passed away late last Thursday night. She had been in the final stage of Alzheimers for nearly four years. She is in a better place now. And her mental and physical facilities have been restored. Or, if you don't believe in that kind of stuff, then you can take comfort in the fact that she's no longer suffering. It's up to you.

This has been such a weird weekend.
I flew in from Raleigh on Friday at 315, got here at 730, rented a car, picked up Anna at mommie's (and scarfed down some Mazzio's while I stopped), got Adam in Norman (and said hi to Sterling!) and drove to Dallas. I was hyped up on caffeine, damn tired and INCREDIBLY loopy. I said some silly silly stuff. Read the highway signs in a hick voice and shit. It was great, and it will haunt me forever if my brother has anything to say about it. :)

About 3AM I got a call from Justin. I had emailed him to tell him where I was and why I wouldn't be by to get stuff from our house. He was drunk. And he wanted to talk but I was too tired. And he kept sending me text messages saying how he loves me still and he wants to rekindle our relationship and shit. How he misses me and doesn't want to fight anymore. Currently we're arguing over $1100. I'm letting him keep the house for crying out loud. All I want is a consolation prize. Sheesh.

It's really really hard to keep up this facade of strength. I pity him so much. And I know he needs me. And I hate that.

Today I drive Adam and Anna home. And I'm going to go see my Wittle from KD, Ashley. Her sister was stabbed to death two days again, and the poor girl needs someone to lean on. It's awful. Cocaine is a bad bad thing.

It's time to go have a veggie-friendly breakfast now. Gotta finish packing so we can go.

I cannot wait to get to Raleigh, hole up in my room and sleep for a LOOOONG time.

illegitimus non carborundum est

So, I had a bad bad day yesterday.

1. Money IS the root of all evil. Anyone who tells you different is selling something.
2. A shih tzu may be the least manly dog ever. And Sophie, though a cute name, is also questionable. Masculinity isn't required at all times, but sometimes it's very important. Just like sometimes it's very helpful to be girly.
3. I am not okay. People are asking me: "are you alright?" "is there anything wrong?" "do you feel okay?" and telling me that I look tired or sad or unhappy. Truth of the matter is that yes, yes, no and I do look like that. I'm a scared little Carrie right now and I don't know what to do. And I can't pinpoint everything that's scaring me. And here's the kicker:

One of my friends told me that he was worried about me. Told me to remember to be happy and outgoing and to be myself. Keep my chin up. And told me that my soul looks tired and he can see it in my eyes. Which is not cool.

So here's what I typed. The worlds just flowed out of my fingers. And I'm not so sure I like it.

And I want you to know that I will never ever forget who I am deep down inside. But sometimes that part of me gets pushed underneath the me who needs to be so strong and so determined and so understanding and so so stupid. And you’re right. My soul is tired. And I am being broken. And no amount of cheering up attempts will make that disappear. I feel like I’m a pile of those little balls that are in restaurants in the kiddie area. Something inside is bubbling up or sinking or changing, and all the balls are being shaken and going in every which way. And I’m in the middle and I’m trying to reach for all of them and hold them all in and I can’t do it. And I’ve lost a few of them. And I’m too busy clinging onto the ones that I have to reach for new ones anymore. So things are going, and they’re just rolling away. Not so far that I can’t get them back, but far enough that right now they’re out of my grasp.

Okay, that sounds nuts. But it is. I feel like pieces of me are being taken away, and I can’t do anything yet to get them back. But I’m trying like hell.

And I’m not looking at the world differently. It just looks different to me. Or maybe I look different in it. Hmm.

I need more sleep. And less beer.

comfort

Yesterday was nice. I actually was, for the first time in my life, thanked for living where I live. That felt very nice. Sometimes it feels weird to be thanked for doing something over which you have no control, but sometimes it just so comforting.

whether we can weather the weather

Just FYI, I think it should be illegal for it to drop below freezing and not snow. I don't want huge mounds o' the stuff, but some light dusting would be nice. Except those silly NC folk can't handle any kind of weather whatsoever. A little sleet lets us cancel work for the day (wish that had happened today!) but it doesn't help me--I have a laptop. Anyway, I just wish it would snow.

a rant

okay, so I think maybe I have a problem that most people think they'd love to have. I sound so damn full of myself when I say this, but I'm starting to believe it. I'm not becoming conceited or self-important. It just bugs the buh-geez-uhs out of me.

I have a problem with people being [madly?] in love with me. And me not having a damn fucking clue.

You would think this would be a fab problem to have, but it is actually kind of tiresome and difficult. Like how Jeff (my work friend from whom I am currently renting a room) let me know that one of our mutual friends is crazy about me. And there have been many many others in the past too. More than I care to recall.

I sound like a horrible person.
I sound pretentious.
I sound absurdly full of myself.

I'm damn cool, but not cool enough to find out that yet another friend (totally almost typed fiend instead...) has a thing for me. It's too much. Too, too much.

It's not that I think I'm worthy. I just kind of feel a little stupid for not catching on more quickly.

Interesting reading? I thought not. But it's so ironic that soon-to-be-divorced li'l-ol'-me has people falling for her *out the wazoo" while single attractive friends of mine couldn't get a date to save their lives. What gives? Irony is a mean, mean monster.

goodnight.
sorry for ranting.

now we can swim any day in november

heard sleeping in by the postal service?
good stuff.
ironic, dark, deep good stuff.

I like the postal service. Fed-Ex, however, is another matter. I love fed ex. Because today they delivered the Postal Service right to my desk :)

I'm making a his/hers list. I meet with the lawyer tomorrow. He's going to refinance the house in February. By some miracle involving funky calculators. Or maybe voodoo dolls and candles and goat's blood. Or selling of one's soul. But I don't care. I will no longer be financially tied to him. Thank goodness. F*cker. Anyway.

So, I've been having this weird dream. Over and over again.

Renee and Jessica (my two best friends) and I have planned a trip to Europe. We've been planning it for awhile. Each time I have the dream it's a little different. Once I helped someone out, and it delayed me and I hadn't packed and I only had ten minutes before the plane left, so obviously I missed it.

Another time I had lots of time but couldn't decide what to bring.

Once I couldn't find my luggage.

And so it goes. Almost ad nauseam. Not ad infinitem.

Anyhow, I never went to Europe. I never knew if they went without me. But every time I cried because I was supposed to be in Paris.

So weird. I wonder what it means. Am I focusing on the preparation instead of the goal? Am I too superficial (which is so weird since I don't think I am, really)? Or am I just having weird food before I go to bed. Maybe it's just my antibiotic.

Hmm.

Man, I'm tired. Today was long.
Work
Work
Work
Work
Lunch
Work
Work
Work
Work
Work *(yes that's nine hours)
Errands
Phone
View Lecture (yay first grad school class)
fight with computer
View more lecture
talk to Audrey
Make his/hers possession list.

yuck.

All this, plus I'm sore from jazzercize. Which, by the way, is hella fun. Honestly!

hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

Because sometimes it does.

What's life?
A magazine.
How much does it cost?
twenty-five cents
But I've only got a dime.
that's life.

I had to explain to someone why I'm in the process of doing something that I swore I'd never do. It goes again every fiber of my being. But you only live life once, and I refuse to live in a land of the perfunctory, the platitudes, or the purposeless. I don't want the world, I just want to love and feel loved, take care of and feel taken care of, support and be supported. Is that so much to ask? Is it?

I refuse to continue to live like that. Ever, ever again.

So, some word up in that first paragraph made me think of the Phantom Tollbooth. Weird.

I'm making good progress on my chest of drawers. It's snow pea green now. I've just got to do another coat or two. I'm hoping I'll still like the color when I'm done. Maybe green is my new favorite color. But oh, how I love purple. Someone told me maybe green is my accent--since it's opposite on the color wheel and all. But that seems so right, that the opposite would be the color I use most prevalently. So weird.

Also, about God. What a funny funny way of things working out. But, so it goes. Isn't it ironic? Why do I even bother asking--it seems that I will always and forever know the answer to that question. It is, undoubtedly, "of course it is."

I've been in a rather fantastic mood the past two days. I'm a little more sullen now, but still in a good mood. I even made breakfast this morning. Maybe I'm going insane. Is that what they say?--the first sign of going insane is waking up early to make breakfast in the morning when you have to go to work and could really just get by with some OJ and a chicken biscuit? Only people from the south would eat fried chicken for breakfast...mmm...

I'm almost done with this damn medicine. It leaves a funny taste in my mouth (literally, mind you) but I'm SOOOO glad this one seems to be working. Of course, I still have a cough and a runny nose. Welcome to living in North Carolina.

Also, once I figure out hello I'll post some fun pics. I think I know what to do now, but itunes is currently sucking my computer's will to live in the form of conversion of wmas.

goodnight, sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite.

Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far, far away from here

But hey, who remembers random movie quotes anyway.

This weekend's been rough. I've spent far too much time thinking. And drinking. Though, fortunately, never thinking while drinking. And I woke up too early 'cause I changed my clocks according to the time displayed in the lower right hand corner below Katie Couric. And now I'm up early enough to blog before work. That's nuts.

Incidentally, "that's nuts" is apparently my new favorite saying.

So, I realized some stuff about myself this weekend. Let's call them, ah, trends. Or realities. Or strange-Carrie-qualities. Such pragmatic (or are they?) realizations come about as a part of what seems to be my new mantra--"what will this accomplish?" It applies in so many places.

SCQ #1
Things aren't nearly as real to me until I tell someone about them. Painful realities seem like maybe I'm imagining them. Now, this may seem odd, but it's really quite useful. Until I tell someone, some things don't bother me as deeply as they should. But the deal is that when I do tell people I feel relieved and a rush of emotion at the same damn time. It's so weird. My strange little reality, I guess.

SCQ #2
I've learned that after each boy that I no longer see I must go through some kind of catharsis. Sometimes before we even actually end our relationship. And the duration of time before I'm finished with my catharses (is that the plural? anywho) tells me how deeply that person marred me. It becomes much more apparent starting with Fred. He was so unbelievably opposed to me joining KayDee, so it was yet another reason for me to join. Sort of made a life-long decision with his stupidity as an influence. Wow. (Man, I miss my sisters.) Then there was Derrick. I'm still dealing with residual frustration from him because he insulted (questioned?) my intelligence. Told me ChE was too hard for me, and that I couldn't have a pet anole or get my belly button pierced. I proved him wrong with ChE (and I must admit I still snicker a little that he got his sole B in a class that I got an A in), I immediately got my three successive anoles (Green Bean, Asparagus and Cauliflower) six months after dating him, and I pierced my belly button three and a half weeks after we broke up. Now my newest debaucle. I have no idea how long this will be in the deconstruction phase, nor how long in life I'll see myself being affected by him. But my first issue begins this week with the advent of my graduate degree this week. I'm also repainting a $39.58 Salvation Army dresser 1) by myself, 2) which is not new furniture and 3) in a bright green color with turquoise antique-glass-like drawer pulls (which he would have fought tooth and nail--where does that saying come from?). I'm going to spend more on drawer pulls than the whole dresser cost. Also (and I should have seen this) I got my tattoo. I really did get it for me, and it really does matter to me and mean something to me and I surely do want it for the rest of my life. But maybe it was a way of showing him that I am my own person and that he couldn't control me. Hmm.

SCQ #3
I buy things as a coping mechanism. This sounds worse than it is. It's mostly pens or art supplies. Remember me in high school? Carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders in the form of writing utensils. Wow.

SCQ #4
I am too honest. I should say less sometimes. Lies are bad, but truth often stings more and pierces deeper.

SCQ #5
I am a sap. But I like it :)

Enough SCQ for now.

Also, Tulsa is a damn small town. And incase you've heard this totally incorrect rumor, I'd like to dispel it now. Justin did not cheat on me. What an odd discombobulation of information.

That's nuts.

work becons.

oh-da-lolly, oh-da-lolly, golly what a day

short version of past six days. I'll write more about my vacation later. Kind of too tired to think at the moment.

Sunday
came back to good ol' NC. With a 101 fever. Not so cool. ba-dum-ching. Thank goodness for my friend Collin who, upon seeing me in my state of stumbling, watery-eyed, runny-nosed mess, told me to sleep in his guest room.

Monday-Wednesday
sick. sick, sick, sick. also ill and not well. huge headache, lots of sleeping, no good. yuck. I can't believe my boss didn't even bat an eye when I took three days off. He's so cool. He just wanted me to get better.

Thursday
went to work VERY reluctantly. Told eleventy-billion people about my damn sinus infection that technically I've been arguing with since October. No fun.

Friday
that's today folks.
I felt much better. I went to work, had TWO Blue Moon drafts at lunch (on special for $2!) and went back to work. And then had one-two-three-four beers in the SCADA lab beginning at 430. Silly Charlie and his silly beer matching idea.
Saw Sideways. I liked it, but it was hard to watch due to my present situation. I was all excited about this movie after I saw I Heart Huckabees in October, but it wasn't nearly as good as I Heart Huckabees. Still liked it though.
And then...dinner. Talked on the phone for way too long and completely overshared. Damn me and my honesty. Honestly, my honesty. Hmm.
And here's the super fun part. So I didn't go out with my work peeps tonight because I need to get well. So I went to bed. Gobi and I were doing some nice cuddling (side note. when people split and there are pets involved, it is unkind to have the pets that you didn't get to take "say hi to their mommie." who the f*ck is he? it made me cry because I miss Mo and Sahara. Also, I find it funny that he knew that I intended to spell mommie with an ie rather than a y, but yet he has no idea what's important to me in life. but I digress...) and the doorbell rang. At 2:27 am. Then I heard some giggles and Jeff's friend Teddy. I stayed in bed. Three minutes later, more doorbell, and I had to get up. So, from thence the party started. About twelve people showed up, were drinking beer and began loudly singing to led zeppelin. And April's sister kept doing the robot and Kevin smoked a cigar. We just sent Kevin back in a taxi about twenty minutes ago. Wow. I tried to be super cool about it, but dammit I'm tired. There was a reason I didn't go out with them tonight. I have been very very sick and I'm still recovering. And now it's 4:33 am sayeth my computer and I've slept for an hour. Nuts.

On a lighter note, I think that Jack (Jeff's dog--who's last name is also M-c-ck, pronounced just like it looks, ha ha) and Gobi (my kitty) are going to be able to live in harmony. Or at least co-habitate without too much trouble. I'm very glad, since I have been keeping my door shut the whole time.

I think I should go to bed. Gobi is sitting watching me type, as he likes to do, and when he looks up at me he can barely hold his eyes open. So it's time to sleep. Goodnight.

I would put a picture of him in here, but I can't figure out how. But he's really damn cute.

goodnight, sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite.