illegitimus non carborundum est

So, I had a bad bad day yesterday.

1. Money IS the root of all evil. Anyone who tells you different is selling something.
2. A shih tzu may be the least manly dog ever. And Sophie, though a cute name, is also questionable. Masculinity isn't required at all times, but sometimes it's very important. Just like sometimes it's very helpful to be girly.
3. I am not okay. People are asking me: "are you alright?" "is there anything wrong?" "do you feel okay?" and telling me that I look tired or sad or unhappy. Truth of the matter is that yes, yes, no and I do look like that. I'm a scared little Carrie right now and I don't know what to do. And I can't pinpoint everything that's scaring me. And here's the kicker:

One of my friends told me that he was worried about me. Told me to remember to be happy and outgoing and to be myself. Keep my chin up. And told me that my soul looks tired and he can see it in my eyes. Which is not cool.

So here's what I typed. The worlds just flowed out of my fingers. And I'm not so sure I like it.

And I want you to know that I will never ever forget who I am deep down inside. But sometimes that part of me gets pushed underneath the me who needs to be so strong and so determined and so understanding and so so stupid. And you’re right. My soul is tired. And I am being broken. And no amount of cheering up attempts will make that disappear. I feel like I’m a pile of those little balls that are in restaurants in the kiddie area. Something inside is bubbling up or sinking or changing, and all the balls are being shaken and going in every which way. And I’m in the middle and I’m trying to reach for all of them and hold them all in and I can’t do it. And I’ve lost a few of them. And I’m too busy clinging onto the ones that I have to reach for new ones anymore. So things are going, and they’re just rolling away. Not so far that I can’t get them back, but far enough that right now they’re out of my grasp.

Okay, that sounds nuts. But it is. I feel like pieces of me are being taken away, and I can’t do anything yet to get them back. But I’m trying like hell.

And I’m not looking at the world differently. It just looks different to me. Or maybe I look different in it. Hmm.

I need more sleep. And less beer.