the Beatles said it best...

I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink (okay, I have, just too few)
I'm so tired, my mind is on the blink (actually, the thermo and drama have wiped it out)
I wonder should I get up and fix myself a drink (coffee and oj--two, really!)
No,no,no.
I'm so tired I don't know what to do (well, truly I'm going to work!)
I'm so tired my mind is set on you (and you, and you, and you. you who? i'm just sayin' hi!)
I wonder should I call you but I know what you would do (answer the phone...or not)
You'd say I'm putting you on (it's an expression, not literal)
But it's no joke, it's doing me harm (the not sleeping)
You know I can't sleep, I can't stop my brain (it thinks in thermo CONSTANTLY)
You know it's three weeks, I'm going insane (this is true.)
You know I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind (wouldn't we all?)
I'm so tired, I'm feeling so upset (actually I'm okay now, that was sooo two days ago.)
Although I'm so tired I'll have another cigarette (but only if I'm drinking----I prefer cigars)
And curse Sir Walter Raleigh (but only with the bad-haircut curse--it grows back!)
He was such a stupid git. (mmm-hmmm, stupid RTP!!!)
You'd say I'm putting you on (it's an expression, not literal)
But it's no joke, it's doing me harm (the not sleeping)
You know I can't sleep, I can't stop my brain (it thinks in thermo CONSTANTLY)
You know it's three weeks, I'm going insane (this is true.)
You know I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind (wouldn't we all?)
I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind (again, true, eh?)
I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind (finis)

Oh dear.

Have you ever been in, say, a discussion, and realized that at some point in your life you took pretty much the opposite view? Well, I did that today, and the topic was abortion.

Did you know that some people consider the pill/ring/shot to be a form of abortion? I didn’t. It’s an interesting idea. I totally don’t agree, but I find it intriguing.

Anyway, I’ve now chimed in to their discussion, and I’m kind of wishing I hadn’t. The worst thing these people could say to me about it is “I’ll pray for you.” I genuinely appreciate prayers, but not of the pity variety. I feel kind of bad for saying that though, so I think I’ll just say thanks to those of you who have encouraged me to be me, and to think and explore and wonder and believe. And thanks for those of you who challenged me when I was younger [even you, Eddie ;) ].

I think it’s interesting how people wax and wane from conservatives to liberals and in-between. How they change and morph, and how that makes them change as people. My ex had this concept of conservation of happiness—that there wasn’t enough happiness to go between the two of us, so one of us was always unhappy or we were both neutral. As it turns out we were just unhappy, but I like his idea because it corresponds to the first law of thermodynamics. (PS, this made me laugh) Maybe there’s a conservation of conservatism too—for everyone that becomes liberal more have to join the conservative pack. It would be able relative strength of conservative viewpoint—not just sheer numbers. Maybe it’s some weird balance that has to be maintained or everything goes apeshit. Hmm.

Also, I have a mild (or not-so-mild) obsession with the sky. I keep taking pictures of it and wanting to paint it. What’s that all about, huh? It's a new, sudden thing, and those catch my attention once I realize they're happening.

Finally, the grandmother thing is over. No more worrying about that. She hasn't said anything, but I'm calling it. It's over until she wants to talk to me directly. The end :)

i know what a prince and lover ought to be.

but apparently my grandmother thinks I don't.
that's what the issue with the year is--as a matter of fact, it has nothing to do with the laws of north carolina.

so, let me tell you something.
If you're my friend and you really have a strong (or weak, or mild, or medium, or whatever) opinion, please let it out of your mouth. I found out this weekend that the number of people who thought I was making a huge mistake a few Mays ago is waaaay waaaaaaaay larger than I ever considered. One person spoke up, and she wouldn't give me a reason. I apologized to her this weekend for not listening. I'm not upset at anyone. I'm not sure I would have listened if you had told me. But let's not make the same mistake twice, shall we?

also, for crying out loud, please realize that there are no timetables--for love, for coping, for friendship. You can't fit it all in a neat little box--so quit trying. The world isn't black and white--no issue is. Abortion, the death penalty, giving money to churches, divorces, putting animals to sleep at shelters, hybrid vehicles, religion--it's a mishmash. It's a bunch of facts and figures and info that you have to sort through. I think life is a lot about coming to your own conclusions and learning to embrace who you are--and figuring out how you can contribute as a human being.

I'm going on this little rant because I just can't believe that you can put a length of time on happiness. And that sometimes people can't see the forest for the trees. It absolutely astounds me.

And unfortunately, this can't even be said to her, because my information is all secondhand. But that's the way the cookie crumbles, I guess. Sigh. Anyway, time for a deep breath and some coffee with my thermo (yum--java daves!).

what's in a year?

would a collection of days and hours and minutes and seconds by any other names sound as...ridiculous?!?

wait a year, Carrie, wait a year.

what makes the 364th day so different from the 365th? And what if it's a leap year? Can I wait a dog year?

some people are so narrow-minded.

PS-Money does not a value system make. Or, if it does, that doesn't mean it applies to everyone.

Also, Gobi is the best cat in the universe, as far as I'm concerned. He's so nice to me.

thisclose.

to the spin doctor's song.

what time is it? 4:30? it's not late--naw, naw it's early.

ohmygoodness it's early. and I'm tired. I do hope I can sleep on the plane...

I'm excited about being in Oklahoma in like eightish hours!!!

T minus less that 24 hours 'til I leave and counting

wowzers.

it's taxing on a body to be excited and exhausted at the same time. plus, i'm doing a very miserable job of getting going on my homework, and that's no good.

i was wondering if there's anything in particular you other Okies think a non-Okie should see. I've never brought someone to Oklahoma who hadn't been there before. I'm going to show him TU and Cherry Street and Brookside and Woodward Park, and we'll drive on Riverside Drive and maybe go to the mall if I think I can navigate shop-a-geddon without dying on 71st or Memorial. And we'll have Mazzio's pizza and maybe Zio's too, and I'm going to take him to Big Al's, I think. We're going to see Wilco, and one of my TU buds is throwing a party, and we'll be meeting my family. Sounds like a jam-packed weekend, but really it's not, exactly. Anyway, if there's anything I'm missing that's important you should let me know. He's already had Blue Bell Icecream.

So, I got a nano. And Otto did too. Ipods are just swell. And it's making my day go by in a much more pleasant manner. I've also become addicted to these. I do them at work while I'm sitting and waiting for the bubble flow meter to do its thing. I can't believe they pay me so much just to watch a bubble flow meter and time how long it takes the bubble to rise. It threatens to ruin my sanity...

By the way, I decided that I'm not yet reading any of the books I listed in a previous post--instead I'm reading The Time Traveler's Wife. Which is good right now but I hear is terribly sad at the end. Of course, instead of reading, I should be doing homework. And instead of typing this, I should be doing homework. No sleep, no food, no playing with Gobi, no affection, no shopping, no TV, no nothing. Just homework. Stupid thermo...

wait, what?!?

okay, so things have come full circle a little. what a weird WEIRD weird day.

I came home late from work today and cried in my car because my mother was relaying to me all of the awful things my grandmother said about me. She is looking forward to badgeri--I mean getting to know--Otto. Yeesh. She went on about how I've "changed" and how "different I am" and how she can't understand why I didn't come to her when the shit hitteth the fan-eth with my ex. Of course, this is all coming from the woman who think that I left him because all he wanted me for is sex. Which is just about as wrong as it could possibly be. I'd rather not venture any farther into TMI, so just take my word for it. Because that's ab-so-tute-ly wrong.

Anyhoo. So then I'm all upset, and I tell Otto about it, and he reminds me that I really have two viable options. Confront her or let it go and keep letting it go if she's gonna be like this. So, I'm going to try confronting her, and if she doesn't own up to what she's been saying then I'm going to attribute it to her dementia and have a nice day. Mean?, maybe. But how else does one cope.

And then later in the evening--the kicker. Justin IMs me because we're working on some of the legal part of all this still and to tell me that I got a letter from TU. I have him open it and he scans it to send to me. We chit chat for a few, and he asks me if he can ask me a question. He wants to know if, since I know him better than most anyone, I would please answer a question for him. He said he's always thought of himself as a good listener and confidant, and for some reason the girl he's dating doesnt feel that he is approachable about her problems because she gets the feeling that he just doesn't care when in essence he really does. I talked to him about it for a few, and then went back to doing my thermo. It was weird for him to ask though, I think. I mean, I'm glad that he's moved on, and I really am okay with him asking, but it kind of makes me feel a bit odd. He's also finally ready to talk about why I left him. Yes, that's right, it's nearly eleven months later and he's finally ready. Whatever. I'm not sure whether or not I should talk to him. Opinions, anyone? Part of me feels like I owe it to him. But part feels like saying good riddance to bad rubbish.
And I wanted to share some more pictures. I'm calling it thermodynamic sunset. After I took my rather-reasonable-but-a-bit obscure test I took the picture (while driving) and then painted it(after a few post-test beers). I touched it up a tinge after I took this, but it's close, and I like it like this too. It looks better in person, but you get the idea. Yahoo.

So, I'll be in Oklahoma in less than forty eight hours. Wilco, sushi, grandparents(oh dear), TU, homecoming, family, Hobby Lobby, blue bell icecream, kaydees, etc. here I come!!! I'm so excited! And I'm thrilled that everyone's going to meet Otto. Now, if only Renee (who, PS, won fabulous points yesterday for being uber understanding) could meet him then that would be swell.

a few pictures

so...
here's me from the studio 54 party. I wonder if my mommie looked kind of like this...


and then that's Otto and his best friend Dan, also at the studio 54 party. all about sexual debauchery, dontcha know?

right.

anyway, sometimes we look a little more normal, like here....

subliminal messages, much?

So, I think I need to take a look at what I'm buying. You know how sometimes people tell you to do that? To see your priorities or whatever...

Well, I was thinking...
dangerous, I know...
but I was thinking...

"So, my friends and I are all reading the Chronicles of Narnia together, and since I'm ahead of them I should probably stop at the end of LWW, 'cause if I don't, well, that's rude."

And I thought, well, what can I bring on my trip to read instead?

And after thinking about the new books i've bought off of Amazon recently...I realized something.

I have purchased, among others...
The Chronicles of Narnia--all seven
The Poisonwood Bible
LAMB
The Red Tent

umm...religion much?

riiight.

but anyway. time to cook dinner and go to VA for the weekend!

what's important.

so, the real world has taught me what's important. no, really.

like friends. and being honest with yourself. and responsibility. and having fun. taking deep breaths. laughing. reading. cleaning up your messes before your apartment gets attacked by fruit flies. paying attention to your pets. indulging in your hobbies. putting your whole heart into what you do. standing up for yourself. you know, the important stuff.

and apparently adding .001 grams and .004 grams of two different compounds to my copper solution counts as that.

what's that, you say? nerdy, I know. but I am amazed to find out that on a scale that registers a minimum of .004 grams, it's an integral part of the solution. this scale is next to a hood, which if you don't know, pulls a vacuum. when I tared the flask on the scale (and yes, I was supposed to measure it in the erlenmeyer even though it was many orders of magnitude heavier) it kept going negative to -.002 or -.004 grams. I had to wait for it to balance out properly to weigh these miniscule but important substances.

and then I added two other powders and some water. and then I was supposed to add 5N NaOH until the pH reached 12.5. And after all this careful weighing I measured the pH with strips. It may not mean much to you, but I think it's absurd. It's like, I dunno...driving a $50,000 car that you just bought with a pair of sunglasses on that block out 90% of your vision. Or measuring insulin with teaspoons instead of a syringe. Completely non-exact. A good approximation, but still.

anyway. it bugged me.

i need an ipod. i really like my new job, but it's tedious at times, and music can make your day much better. i'll be getting one soon, I think. that's what birthdays and being old enough to get yourself a present are for. :)

whew--sort of

well, the party was a blast. a friggin' blast. except for that whole thing with the asshole and the beer spillage and him telling me he'd fight me if I weren't a girl. yeesh. otto and dan were ready to beat the jerk up. he half-assed apologized. but i ended up crying. over spilled beer. oh well.

thermo sucks. i am really considering giving up. yes, me, give up. i don't need this kind of stress. we'll see. gotta give it the remaining part of hte good old college try before i decide. so much for it being my favorite subject. i guess teachers just make a huge difference.

go out and buy the book of all seven of the chronicles of narnia--presented in the order that he would like you to read 'em. they're really good so far. i really liked the first book--the magicians nephew.

my doctor says that 1)my back is healing okay (otto pulled the stitches out for me--my doc is a quack and I was having an allergic reaction to 'em!) 2)my murmur was prob due to where the doc held her stethoscope but I'm having an ekg anyway, 3)my blood pressure is fine I just get nervous and it raises and 4)I need to have neurology done since i have numbness, but she's not too concerned about that either. i feel much relief from knowing this.

does anyone else out there like the sopranos? i like six feet under better, but the sopranos are kind of addictive...

and i'm looking forward to oklahoma in thirteen days. except that my family is nuts. we're all nuts. i'm nuts, they're nuts...you get the drift.

apparently I need to keep my mouth shut

stop making ridiculous assertions, silly asides, etc.

because they keep coming true.

first of all, the day before yesterday I found out that the burning sensation is "normal." Apparently stitches may or may not burn while healing, and I should not find this at all alarming. I should stop wearing a bandage, in fact.

right.

So, now I think they're infected. There's a red streak running off of one end of the wound. No fun. I'm going to have to call the doctor tomorrow.

This was brought to my attention today during my baseline physical. It was done because I may or may not have to wear a respirator at work. Which is fine by me. But they did a full evaluation--blood work, urine analysis, checking my reflexes, the works. And know what? I have 1)high blood pressure, or so it seems (though possibly not quite high enough to treat, yet), 2)carpal tunnel (or significant signs of it) and 3) a heart murmur. Oh-da-lolly, Oh-da-lolly, Golly-what-a-day. Yipp-friggin-ee.

I'm thinking maybe I should go on a doctor hiatus, at least after I get these fixed. I'm not having much luck with them. And none of these situations are profitable enough that I can just pretend that maybe the doctor is a bad one, and they're looking to make some money off of me. Dentists, perhaps, if they aren't good ones. But people don't make money off of telling you that you have a heart murmur. Or carpal tunnel. And even the you-need-your-nose-roto-rootered instructions are scary to give, since all that surgery is in such a delicate and easily-ruined part of the body.

So, how do I get better? I'm going to go to the doctors, but is there something else I can do? Anybody into holistic healing? Or know of good vitamins to take? 'Cause really, I'm losing it.

And I think my thermo professor might have lost it too. I'm still up now because I'm working on my homework that's due tomorrow. I had one problem left, and I've been working on it and it alone since 915 this evening. I mean, I bought a plane ticket to New York, made two phone calls, paid bills and wrote a letter while I did this, but that was all during the waiting. I'm running a simulator. I have to collect 90 pieces of data, make six graphs and answer eight questions, all for problem #4. Little did I know. I still have 40 pieces of data to go. It's going to be a long night. And then tomorrow I work, hopefully go to the doctor, and then leave to go to Richmond. And on Saturday we'll likely be driving from Richmond to Newark, DE, as long as the price/availability of gas makes it feasible. It's for the Studio 54 party. I hope it's fun if we go. I'm sure it will be.

I, of course, am the worrywart, wanting to make sure we're all getting there in one piece. I'm worried about gas, people being stupid and violent (like they're being in New Orleans) and getting stranded. And Gobi. If we do go to the party, 'cause I know you're all wondering, I'm wearing jeans that flare, tall shoes, a tanktop and one of those poncho-scarf things that's paisley and peasant-ee. And I bought sunglasses to go with it, and I'll maybe wear the fun earrings Renee gave me.

right. thermo is out of control. I need a nap.