my superlative

most improved?

so, sitting alone tonight, eating not-as-good-as-I-remembered Mexican food, I thought. A lot.

And I've decided that this year my superlative is most improved. I mean, I think it is.

Where was I a year ago? In Washington D.C. with my then-husband celebrating a year of being married. Getting gifts that were a day late and a dollar short that he only made 1/8 good on, and complained the whole damn time. I was working for a crummy boss, driving a honda that was on its last leg, the new RDU-AA president, and had a new cute haircut. I was spending all of my time either watching TV or working, it seemed. There were all sorts of things I wanted to do that I wasn't, and all sorts of things that I didn't want to do that I was.

Over the course of this past year I've made a lot of changes, all of which seem to be for the better.

I now have Mattie. And that's a huge plus, not just because it's a new car, but because it's a real, grown-up, yes you really ARE making money kind of thing for me. Quite honestly I thought I would never get a new car. Ev-er.

And my nose is getting better after the surgery. And I now live in a very nice, cozy AND spacious apartment. I'm getting to paint furniture (I'm thinking restoring furniture would be a damn fun business to go in to--mind you I'm not restoring now, just making cooler, but still). I have a very wonderful boyfriend, who is a real man (rather than being a boy) who knows how to treat a lady, and how to be kind. I have some really great friends in Durham--they very supportive, outgoing, honest and fun! (two of them got engaged yesterday! :) ) And Renee and Jessica say I'm back to my old self, which is good, 'cause I like this me better. I have a better boss, even though I'm not loving my job, and I'm no longer letting people walk all over me at work.

I have cuter underwear than I did a year ago. And better shoes. And longer hair. And I read more, and I didn't realize how much I missed that. And even though I'm taking the summer off, I'm going to grad school. Which is a really good thing because I think I should go.

I am much more conscious of my being self-sufficient, and not nearly so stubborn in trying to prove myself.

And I'm so much happier. Today happens to be an unhappy-Carrie day, but all in all I'm better off, I think. I mean a lot more to me now, if that makes sense. And I know more what I want, and how I want to spend my time and effort, and I know who is worth loving. Everyone who is reading this is on that list--of people worth loving.

So today is a bit melancholy, and a bit new to me. I've never before felt like I had so many options. Just a few days ago I seriously considered doing the work to apply to law school. Yes, really. And I thought about how in 13 months maybe I'll move out of North Carolina. How that's a real option for me. And I can move anywhere I want. And if that happens to be in or near Raleigh, NC, so be it. But maybe I will want something else.

As it turns out, being able to do what I want is what I need.

Not always, and not with disregard to others, but really, that's all I need. Is to be me.

Anyway, thanks for reading. Thanks for always reading. And thanks for being real people who really care, and who I really love.

goodnight, friends. I have to be at breakfast at seven am (sigh).

PS-On an odd note. I got an email today titled "wrapped in cotton" -- guess who it was from. Audrey thinks it was pretty slimy of him to remind me of that. hopefully I'll never be reminded by him again.

PPS-enough rambling, I know, I know.

mixed feelings

so, as of yesterday my legal separation reached a length of seven months.

and today would have been my second wedding anniversary.

what's a girl to do?

Well, this girl is going to Baltimore today. And then to Annapolis. And then coming home to her nice new apartment on thursday.

And tonight? Well, I'm going to go eat at Chevy's all by myself (they have great mexican food) and do a little therapeutic purchasing, and then I'm going to go back to my three-and-a-half-star hotel room and go to sleep. Maybe I'll take a bubble bath first. We'll see.

So, call if you're bored. Or not bored. Or just around and have a hankering for talking on the phone. Because I'll either be bored or not bored, and perhaps we can be bored or not bored together.

carrie unplugged

of sorts.

I'll be internet-less after 1230 today until noonish on Sunday. So no gripes about my not responding.

I am SO SO SO excited. So!!!

so excited

so, tomorrow we move. out. of this shithole. I'm actually embarrassed to have my friends help with the moving. because this house is a shithole. shit-hole.

but I am also super, super excited. (!) I will be moving into a newer place with a nice kitchen and working appliances. And no crappy landlord. There will be a patio, no jungle outside, and my cat's litter box will not be in my closet right below where my pants hang. So I'm excited.

hooray.

ooh, and I got new dishes. hooray again.

thank goodness

Okay, so first of all, I sold my bed. Thank goodness. And by my bed, I mean J's deceased father's bed. Eeew. Thank goodness it's done.

Um, and something else. So, I'm packing for my move, right? (I move on Friday) And do you know what horribly horrible horrid thing I realized?

Well, you see, I have this box I've been keeping of fun things that would make me smile on a rainy day. Full of Carebear birthday cards someone printed, or Little Yellow Difference, and poems by Chrissy Shackle. There's even a copy of the Earth Club article that was in the Tulsa World, and all sorts of notes, letters and CFT fun. Cards that really touched me--when people wrote about my dad's death, or when we had to put Bluey to sleep, or people just writing to let me know that I was loved.

And cards from you know who. So I collected all of his together and got ready to throw them away. I decided to read them again--I don't really know why. Maybe because my yay-I'm-only-celebrating-me day is only eight days away. Or because sometimes you look at pictures one last time and remember who you were, or thought you were, or what you became. And do you know what I saw. Something that SCREAMED don't do it. F*cking SCREAMED it. Why did no one see?

Every card had a formula.
They all said something like

-honey, baby, sweetheart, buttercup, etc.
-I'm sorry we're having problems with ______ (school, grad school, wedding stuff, anything at all) but really that's just because we're having petty fights since we're so perfect.
-Boy I'm glad you're smart and beautiful.
-We are perfect for each other, we just need to get through now and it will all get better in the future.
-I'm so lucky you're so smart/hot/fun/outgoing.
-We'll be happy one day, I'm sorry things are rough.

Every damn one of them. Yeesh. Maybe that's a good way to analyze boys. Read their cards and notes and emails over a long period of time. So girls--watch for patterns. And guys--don't be formulaic. Or course, most guys aren't like him. And thank goodness for that too.

also, I have another sinus infection. which wasn't supposed to happen, really. I count myself lucky that at least I am able to get it out of my nose since my sinuses are wider open. But I'm really not so thrilled.

I'm going to read now. The Devil in the White City is a pretty neato book, just FYI.

so.

I withdrew from grad thermo on Tuesday afternoon. And then ran for President of the KayDee Alum Association again. Which is dang funny, considering that I had planned on taking thermo and not running for Pres as of the day before. Does this mean I'm flexible? Easy going? Hmm.

Mullet, as promised.
It was a she-mullet. On a lady with a zebra jacket, purse and tall tall shoes (with a zebra pattern heel too!) and these awful red woven tights. Just awful.

It was spiked on top about 3/4 of an inch long, and bleached very white. Then, in the back, about 1 inch above the nape of her neck there was a line--where the dark brown/black hair began. That hung down to a bit below her shoulders.

Best part? I think it was an extension mullet that she put in to go with her outfit. Wowie.

Right. Today we go to pick out the apartment at lunch. Thank goodness!

a decision to make

so, I'm thinking about a break from grad school. yes, already. for the summer. I have a lot going on, you see.

I'm going to Charleston, Savannah and Oklahoma in addition to random Virginia and beach trips. Jessica's coming to visit, possibly Renee as well, and then Sterling will be coming east at some point too. Plus there's some Virginia people who may visit.

Ooh, and did I mention I'm thinking of taking graduate thermodynamics over the summer? Say those last six words again... taking--graduate--thermodynamics--over--the--summer. Am I nuts? (that was rhetorical, don't give in to temptation) Should I stop? Who needs a Masters in ChE anyhow? Yeesh.

Keep checking back--I have a wonderful mullet to tell you about. The best one I've ever seen, EVER. And I've lived in North Carolina and Oklahoma. Wowzers.

found a place to live...

http://ticonproperties.com/indigo.html

check out the topaz.

whew.

I almost got a cool couch, chair and ottoman for cheap today too, but someone beat me to 'em. :(

but hooray for having a place to live--still gotta sign a lease, but it's nice that we found somewhere. AND it's 7 minutes from a new strip mall with a greatland target, uno's, b&n, movie theatre, kohl's, ross, moe's, starbucks, coldstone creamery, super walmart, michael's, et alia. yahoo!

so, unlike gwen stefani

I don't love to wash in your old bathwater.

alltogethernow--eeeewwwwww.

Yes, that's right, this morning I had the fortune, nay, the privilege of taking a shower in 4 inches of standing water. And when I questioned my "landlord" about it he said--yeah, I know, I'll fix it tonight. I tried to fix it yesterday and I broke a toothbrush off in it. Boy, I wish someone had thought to tell me about this.

But, alas, no.

So I showered. And halfway through remembered that there's a shower downstairs. Which still would have been pretty darn gross--it's a semi-moldy shower stall whose shower-head leaks--but at least I could have worn flip-flops and not touched any walls.

What a way to wake up.

On a brighter note, apartment hunting seems to be going along nicely-ish. There's one place that having Gobi may be a problem, but if not we'll be seeing it tonight. And if so, there's a backup plan.

Also, does it make sense to pay $50-$70 more a month to get more windows, hard wood floors and a better location? Just checking...

Also, Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow? Decent, actually. Not good or riveting, but kind of weird and I liked it. And hey, who doesn't want to see Angelina Jolie in an eye patch?

riiiiiight.

you know it's a good party when

the guy and his date both come back with bruises.

Okay, maybe not. But it was still pretty funny.

Mine are on my left knee and right shin. A little piece of advice for all you future-oriental-rug-owners--use carpet pads so those things don't skid around on wood floors.

He "wrassled" with his dad, and his right shoulder got friendly with the ground.

I met a lot of family members, and they were either nice or super fun. I had a good time. I was kind of pissed when all the young folk ran ahead and left me walking behind them. I guess no one heard me say I didn't run unless there was a ball involved. But I hung back and waited for the parents and grandmother Helen (yes, Jess, that's her name!) and all was well. We took the shortcut and I got to talk to his mom about cooking and the lady wearing yellow heels on the walk and I threw a football with his dad and talked about fun variations on sports. We danced, threw the football some more, ate, and then I was thankful for beer and pizza, as I mentioned before. Then it was party time.

Yesterday was church, napping, errands and homework. Sometimes it's good to have someone to spurn you on.

A question though--am I too picky? And what's the difference between being picky and knowing what you want.

Like, having a certain kind of bread you wanna buy...is that picky? And, more to the point, does it warrant the comment, "wow, you're even picky about your bread." Do most people just buy what's on sale. Is this a girl thing? Hmm.

Also, Sterling's and my Project:Super Secret Phase I is complete. The man spent 53 consecutive hours awake to complete it. Well done. More details on this to come. I'm hoping maybe I can draw the sunflower for the cover or spine or something.

time to go to work now. with a sore arm, two bruises and a bit of a sunburn from riding around in a jeep with the top down and the doors removed. but I had a fun weekend. did you?