lectionary text and frustration.

but not about each other. :)

yesterday we heard about matthew chapter 18, verses 15-20.

in the NIV version it says

¹⁵"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. ¹⁶But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' ¹⁷If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

¹⁸"I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.

¹⁹"Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. ²⁰For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them."

It got me thinking...about the night before, about recent situations and even about my past. I had been thinking of some of it anyway, but the rest of the sermon kind of got my mind going...

When I was five years old we lived in Tuscon, Arizona. It was there that I played atari, saw a vhs movie (gremlins!)at home for the first time, cut my finger while cutting an apple, got the scar on my upper lip when I insisted on wearing my superslick maryjanes even though it had been raining (evidence of my stubborn nature!), saw someone pull the tail off of a rattlesnake, had the most literal moment of my whole life, learned the word calendar, felt Anna's pain when she broke her arm, played soccer, watched hot air balloon races and many, many other things. It was also in Tuscon that I learned how to ride a bike.

I was still using my training wheels because I wasn't very good at keeping my balance yet, but I was allowed to bike by myself as long as I stayed in our (rather large) cul-de-sac. All of the people in our little neighborhood knew who Anna and I were, and there were plenty of people out and about at any given time. I got going too fast from one of the higher up parts and was too scared to turn or stop, and I ended up running square into my neighbor's newly painted white garage. I was terrified. And by some kind of grace no one saw me, so I walked my bike home, about 5 houses away, and went inside.

That evening my mom said one of the SuchandSuches had come by, and was there anything I wanted to tell her? I lied and said no, and went to my room and probably cried. The next day she asked me again and I told her the truth. I was in BIG trouble, had to apologize with a card and in person, and I'm pretty sure I had to do something else (though I know it wasn't paint the garage because there's no quality control for a 5 year old painter!).

I remember it still because I was SO humiliated. I couldn't believe that I--little brilliant carrie--had been so stupid and scared as to run into their garage, but I was even more ashamed that I had lied to my mother and hid something from my neighbor, and that someone had caught me walking away, too.

It was then that I adopted honesty as a policy. (I adopted a lot of policies as a child, ask me about my accent some time) Oh, don't get me wrong, I have most definitely lied since then. Absolutely 100 percent. Ones ranging from little white to whatever color lies shouldn't be--black I guess? Honesty is an excellent policy, but on rare occasions it is not the best one. But anyway.

So I've had a couple of instances recently where I really feel like I can't win. I'd tell you all the details, but some of the people involved read this blog, and though I can air my own dirty laundry, I don't feel like I have the right to air theirs. (and, a little aside, before this bites me in the ass: if at any point of reading this you are upset? that means you are taking it personally, and no offense, but you shouldn't be. this is about ME. how I feel and what is frustrating me. it is not meant to be negative toward you, it's to let me write it out, and unless you are absolutely certain you know the full details of my goings on, then you probably don't even know what it's about, and it's quite possible it isn't about you at all. thanks.)

I really feel like sometimes I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Much like the garage door--I was going to get in trouble either way, it was a just a matter of how much was at myself and how much was other people being mad at me. And in that case it TOTALLY makes sense. I did something wrong, I should experience repercussions. But, I have found that no amount of being honest, no amount of shutting my yap, no amount of kindness, and no amount of explanation are making things work.

If I tell someone the truth? It seems I'm still going to suffer the consequences, even though I was the one who was honest, and even if there are many other responsible parties. It makes me think of shooting the messenger. It is against my nature not to be forthcoming, but I guess I may have to select my times to provide information more selectively. If I hadn't been honest though? I would've felt like I had lied about the garage all over again. This frustrates the hell out of me, because I am not doing a single thing wrong in telling the truth (the item I tell about, perhaps, but not in the telling), and I am sick and tired of the drama. It's like if you tell someone they have something in their teeth and they get mad at you for embarrasing them in front of other people--hello?!? you had SPINACH on display in your pearly whites. geez. anyway.

If I avoid providing information? It seems certain that someone else will be so kind as to share that information for me, and if I'm especially lucky, it was either a)something I said in confidence or b)something followed by "carrie knew, I can't believe she didn't tell you." ugh. Along with this, if I present an idea or suggestion, suddenly I am undermining someone's hard work. I felt this was last spring with the dinner theater when I made a schedule showing how we could practice without overlap. we didn't even use it ONCE, and it was indicated to me that I was new, and that I didn't know what I was doing, depsite the fact that my little schedule solved 3/4 of our practice problems.

If I try to explain where I'm coming from, or what I meant? It sure seems a lot of people don't give a shit. And personally, I think that if that's you, you need to take a lesson from this man, my good friend nick, because he is the best forgiver and forgetter I've ever had the pleasure to know.

I guess...sometimes I just feel really helpless. And it makes me think of my friend Renee who once commented on how I have so many friends, and that's because I can be friends with people on a lot of different levels. She does not have as many friends as I do (though for the record she's just as cool), but that's because she is really only friends with people on one level, if that makes sense. But she also has fewer friend issues than I end up having, and I wonder if that's a factor related to quantity or level-of-closeness/friendship? I dunno. Just thoughts I'm thinkin'.

I am not even sure where I'm going with this, entirely. I am a talk-it-through-er is all, and maybe I'm wondering if anyone has any sage advice? My grandmother told me that I know better than this--I am smart, I have manners, I make friends easily and I have self worth--I need to not associate with people who make me feel like this. I told her that, depending on who we're talking about, a lot of the time they don't make me feel like that, that I have friends who are super fun, and I truly enjoy their company the rest of the time. I think she responded about would I have stayed with a man who beat me, but only twice a month? I think she has a point.

Plus, do I want to be a part of things where I feel like I can't be myself? That's another decision that I made quite a while ago--after seeing people be two faced I made a conscious decision to try to be the same person all the time, as much as possible. I can't say I've got that 100%, but I can tell you that for the most part carrie at work is carrie at church, carrie at a bar and carrie at home, too. It's important to me, really.

anyway. I'm not liking september. I'm not liking drama. I'm not liking thinking these things. and I'm not liking this blog today. read it now, I very well may delete it later. :)