i am *utterly* alone

~beetle juice (beetle juice, beetle ju---just kidding!)

for earth day Matt and I had dinner--chicken and beef kabobs with onions and bell peppers, red potatoes and apple pie. it was all organic. I tried for local, but the only thing we got local was our beer. We actually did a taste test for the keg. We decided on Carolina Brewing Company's Pale Ale, though Carolina Blonde was a close second. :)

Speaking of eating local...it seems like it may be more important to do something else--eat your veggies! Apparently one of the best things you can do for the environment is eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Which makes sense. I already eat beef sparingly, so I guess I'll just keep that up!

so, last night I got in a HUGE argument with my granny. there were A LOT of things we were talking about, but basically she totally did a 180 on me. she's been pushing and pushing for me to get a house (which I want mind you) and she said some ridiculous things like "well, you must not be serious about it because you haven't actually looked at it yet" or "you are irresponsible for not knowing the answers to these questions." TOTALLY not like her. And completely out of the blue since what I was *trying* to ask was if she had any ideas for me to save money.

I mean, I can absolutely afford the house payment. It'll be a stretch, but it's completely possible. However, it will deplete a lot of my savings, and I feel it will be difficult to beef that back up, at least at first. AND if there's a tragic event, I'm pretty much screwed. But then again, when else will I be in this position? Is it worth the risk? probably.

Anyway, she said one other thing that really, really upset me. I said how I've been thinking of where most of my money goes, and how my car payment and my cable are two significant ones that I can change. Another is travel--I easily spend a couple of grand a year on travel, and a lot of it is to Tulsa. I also spend a good chunk of change on medical stuff, but I can't really change that.

so yeah.

well, my Granny went into this whole "you CHOSE to stay in North Carolina. It's YOUR FAULT that you have to travel to see your family. It's your choice. You have to deal with it." Mind you, since I've moved here I've been to Tulsa...let's count...ten times. Some of the times for a week or more. Which is fine. But NO ONE comes here to see me and now twice someone has helped me pay. And I get sh*t for not coming home more often ALL the TIME.

I explained to her that a)I don't want to live in Oklahoma and b)there's not the type of job I want/would be good at and interested in, anyway. And that it is unfair to give me crap about not coming back to Tulsa when it's on my own dime, and that really we were talking about something that wasn't even relevant to the topic.

I tried again. I explained that I can make the payments, but my emergency fund would go bye-bye. (well, not really, but if I needed it, it wouldn't last for THAT long). I explained that I am also freaked because it is just me. So if something awful happened, I don't have someone else's income to rely on for the short term. So I am not sure what to do, and since she's lived frugally...

So she told me I hadn't found the right house. That I hadn't asked enough questions. That I chose to be alone in NC. Basically that I made my bed.

I told her she wasn't getting it. That it wasn't about a specific house, it was a general quandry. She went on some long diatribe about how she rode the bus a lot when she lived in Chicago. She told me I was being irresponsible and that I shouldn't buy a house. This from the woman who insisted that I do it.

etc. it was frustrating and upsetting and WEIRD. totally not like her. I sat in the target parking lot and cried for a while and reminded myself that I am the financially responsible grandchild and I shouldn't take this to heart. but MAN. what was THAT?

she was right about one thing though--I am all by myself. I have some AMAZING friends around here, many of whom are like family, but none who actually are. thank you, kindly, for reminding me that I am, technically, isolated from my kin. high five.

anyway.
moving on.

so, this is kind of cool. you answer questions and it tells you what you're craving. I've done it three times and I got "happiness" when I was thinking of a hug (the next answer was an emotion), then "a sunrise" when I was thinking of the sun and they were SPOT ON when I said that I wanted a laugh (it said laughter). It even got MATH right. Go check it out. too cool!

oh, and for earth day Gobi did his part. he conserved energy too! see? he's such a cutie. and he is so good about sleeping on the pillow next to my head. it's really cute in the AM when he wakes up when I do and meows good morning. tooo adorable! this is him sitting on the back of the couch. he likes to sneak up and perch himself right by me. totally makes me smile. :)