Thursday, April 24, 2008

i am *utterly* alone

~beetle juice (beetle juice, beetle ju---just kidding!)

for earth day Matt and I had dinner--chicken and beef kabobs with onions and bell peppers, red potatoes and apple pie. it was all organic. I tried for local, but the only thing we got local was our beer. We actually did a taste test for the keg. We decided on Carolina Brewing Company's Pale Ale, though Carolina Blonde was a close second. :)

Speaking of eating local...it seems like it may be more important to do something else--eat your veggies! Apparently one of the best things you can do for the environment is eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Which makes sense. I already eat beef sparingly, so I guess I'll just keep that up!

so, last night I got in a HUGE argument with my granny. there were A LOT of things we were talking about, but basically she totally did a 180 on me. she's been pushing and pushing for me to get a house (which I want mind you) and she said some ridiculous things like "well, you must not be serious about it because you haven't actually looked at it yet" or "you are irresponsible for not knowing the answers to these questions." TOTALLY not like her. And completely out of the blue since what I was *trying* to ask was if she had any ideas for me to save money.

I mean, I can absolutely afford the house payment. It'll be a stretch, but it's completely possible. However, it will deplete a lot of my savings, and I feel it will be difficult to beef that back up, at least at first. AND if there's a tragic event, I'm pretty much screwed. But then again, when else will I be in this position? Is it worth the risk? probably.

Anyway, she said one other thing that really, really upset me. I said how I've been thinking of where most of my money goes, and how my car payment and my cable are two significant ones that I can change. Another is travel--I easily spend a couple of grand a year on travel, and a lot of it is to Tulsa. I also spend a good chunk of change on medical stuff, but I can't really change that.

so yeah.

well, my Granny went into this whole "you CHOSE to stay in North Carolina. It's YOUR FAULT that you have to travel to see your family. It's your choice. You have to deal with it." Mind you, since I've moved here I've been to Tulsa...let's count...ten times. Some of the times for a week or more. Which is fine. But NO ONE comes here to see me and now twice someone has helped me pay. And I get sh*t for not coming home more often ALL the TIME.

I explained to her that a)I don't want to live in Oklahoma and b)there's not the type of job I want/would be good at and interested in, anyway. And that it is unfair to give me crap about not coming back to Tulsa when it's on my own dime, and that really we were talking about something that wasn't even relevant to the topic.

I tried again. I explained that I can make the payments, but my emergency fund would go bye-bye. (well, not really, but if I needed it, it wouldn't last for THAT long). I explained that I am also freaked because it is just me. So if something awful happened, I don't have someone else's income to rely on for the short term. So I am not sure what to do, and since she's lived frugally...

So she told me I hadn't found the right house. That I hadn't asked enough questions. That I chose to be alone in NC. Basically that I made my bed.

I told her she wasn't getting it. That it wasn't about a specific house, it was a general quandry. She went on some long diatribe about how she rode the bus a lot when she lived in Chicago. She told me I was being irresponsible and that I shouldn't buy a house. This from the woman who insisted that I do it.

etc. it was frustrating and upsetting and WEIRD. totally not like her. I sat in the target parking lot and cried for a while and reminded myself that I am the financially responsible grandchild and I shouldn't take this to heart. but MAN. what was THAT?

she was right about one thing though--I am all by myself. I have some AMAZING friends around here, many of whom are like family, but none who actually are. thank you, kindly, for reminding me that I am, technically, isolated from my kin. high five.

anyway.
moving on.

so, this is kind of cool. you answer questions and it tells you what you're craving. I've done it three times and I got "happiness" when I was thinking of a hug (the next answer was an emotion), then "a sunrise" when I was thinking of the sun and they were SPOT ON when I said that I wanted a laugh (it said laughter). It even got MATH right. Go check it out. too cool!

oh, and for earth day Gobi did his part. he conserved energy too! see? he's such a cutie. and he is so good about sleeping on the pillow next to my head. it's really cute in the AM when he wakes up when I do and meows good morning. tooo adorable! this is him sitting on the back of the couch. he likes to sneak up and perch himself right by me. totally makes me smile. :)

9 comments:

KaritaG said...

OMG I totally hear you on the traveling thing and being away from family. We decided last year to only go home for thanksgiving OR christmas, and you would have thought I said we were going to have an open marriage or something. We offered to host the whole fam for christmas but no one wanted to risk flying into CO in December. Um, hello, but it's totally logical for us to fly out?! And my SIL doesn't understand why we couldn't be there when her baby was born...it's so frustrating. No one has EVER offered to help us pay to come back to visit but everyone gives us shit about not coming more often...I feel you, girl!

Tonya said...

The previous comment could have been written by me -- except that I did make it to TN for my little nephew to be born -- but only because I'm not working right now! It sounds like your granny was really having an off day -- especially since it's so out-of-character for her. And it also sounds like she misses you a lot and may be lonely overall. You know you're on the right track and you know that you make good decisions, Care. Here's a ((hug)) for now. Hang in there!

Maria said...

Wow. I'm going to search my archives, because I think I wrote a similar post on family and travel just last year. I not-so-secretly cry on the inside when people ask me if I am in Tulsa alone. The answer is yes, and even hubby isn't here, so I only have my friends to help me ... with a child that they have no responsibility for! HUGS!

Your Earth Day dinner sounded great!

Maria said...

Here it is! Kind of... :)

http://mariaandkevin.blogspot.com/2007/05/summer-fun.html

care said...

this makes me feel better. in the kind of way when you say "this is awful, here, try it." but still, better.

thanks. :)

Anonymous said...

How long has it been since your grandpa died? I know you are both still grieving. She's probably missing you and grieving, and this is how it's coming out--anger/frustration with you. It's typical for grief feelings to get worse 1 month later, 3 months, 1 year anniversary, etc. Just a thought. You know she loves you. Give her a call later this week and see how she's doing.

Maria said...

{{{hugs}}}

care said...

actually, anon, you aren't totally off. one thing my mom reminded me is that the 19th is a really hard day for my granny--it's the day my great grandma was murdered. it happened a loooooong time ago. but it's hard for her every single year.

and she's upset at me for being divorced. not because I left him, because she understands why, but because I now have that label.

and my grandfather passed seven months ago. seven months ago today, actually. I sometimes see the picture of them as college freshmen and get teary.

and yes, we all miss him. we're all grieving still, you're spot on. and I bet she is real lonely. and there's some real icky money stuff that happens in my fam. drama, if you will. that has heightened.

and today she goes to finalize the arrangements for the Junk plot in Tulsa. the big headstone or whatever. so that's a stress too.

but even though her behavior is able to be explained and/or even justifiable, it still doesn't mean I should be her punching bag.

AND it's not the first time she's given me crap for not coming home enough.

that said, last night I tried to call her three times after I calmed down.

melissa said...

awww, she misses you. she's scared for you. she loves intensely and she wants you to have your cake and eat it, too, and since she can't make that happen for you i think her anxieties and fears for you just came out the wrong way.

it's beautiful to have family who cares, even if their good intentions sometime seem slightly off-key.

 
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