i am in a b*tchy mood.

and I have not been blogging much partially because I am feeling whiny, and I am afraid that someone is going to take what I say the wrong way. but, that's out the window 'cause I need to b*tch. and this isn't ABOUT anyone, this is about what's going on in my mind.

so: I am tired of feeling obligated.

Please do not get me wrong--I have very, VERY much enjoyed the weddings and the family trips and the parties the past few months. I am thankful I could be at every single one of them--to support the couple, spend time with people I love, etc. VERY. BUT. For pete's sake. ease up already.

I feel like there is always something to do--and yes, I can absolutely say "no, but thank you for inviting me" but inevitably that comes with some level of either a) guilt on my part or b)discussion amongst others about my absence. and for the record--I am not so full of myself that I assume people talk about me when I'm not there--I've heard tell. And I've heard what's said about others who don't make it out.

And yes, it is very very flattering when you are missed, and I'm not complaining about that either. I am very thankful for my friends--and very lucky to have them in spades. I guess I'm just frustrated because it seems that at every turn there's something else I'm "supposed" to do. I am blissfully happy being busy when it's of my own choosing. When it's out of obligation, implied or actual? Not so much...

take this weekend for example:

My BFF (for half of my life, I've realized!) Renee is coming to visit. I am SO EXCITED! We are going to hang out and have girl time and she is very graciously helping me tackle a gigantic project at my house. Her visit means I'm not getting to do some other things (which I feel a little guilty about, but I'm also making it up to the bday girl, so all is well). And I also have an obligation to a client--so that's taking away from our weekend, and I feel guilty about that too (though I know Renee understands). And it means that I'll adjust life accordingly before/after so I can just enjoy my time with her, you know? It's not often that one of your oldest friends comes to town. And this? This is the kind of voluntary "busy/obligated" that I am happy to make room for.

but.

I guess...it just boils down to this: I have been looking forward to a break and it doesn't look like I'm gonna get it. For the past four months I've been going to weddings or out of town two of every three weekends--either for my friends or Matt's friends or clients. I've been taking every single photography opportunity offered to grow my business--and I've LOVED that I'm getting clients like gangbusters without even really advertising, but since "wedding season" was over I was looking forward to finishing what's already on the books (two weddings and a corporate event), doing some holiday sessions and calling it a year. I've also felt like I've been almost "ignoring" my friends--well, unless you happen to have been attending one of the million weddings or associated events with me.

and again--not ungrateful. just overwhelmed by everything all at once.

and now, now every weekend that was potential free for the next eight weeks? filled.
this weekend: renee.

next: surgery and if I'm up to it, a party (that I'd really like to make since EVERY time I've been invited I've had to decline). oh AND going by the KD cookout.

next: what was supposed to be just the beer festival is now a double date, a larger group at the festival and a birthday outing for a friend. and a session for a senior who has been putting off getting her pictures done for months, and now needs them urgently.

next weekend: shooting a wedding on Friday. saturday we're supposed to leave on our road trip. we've already moved it once for a wedding and then had to postpone it. my new obligations at work make it look like we might have to postpone it again.

next weekend: supposed to be returning home on that Saturday, leaving Sunday to recover. Instead, we're going to an out of town birthday party Saturday and coming home Sunday. Which again-LOVE the birthday boy. SUPER excited to see the couple. anxious about the overwhelming aspect.

next weekend: my birthday. which we may not even get to celebrate on the day (and which is a whole other headache because I'm afraid if we do something small those who aren't invited will be hurt, but now a big-to-do could only be held on my birthday, and spending the week of my birthday cleaning for a party isn't my idea of a good time). saturday I'm shooting that corporate event from, oh, 530-800 or something, and I'd hoped Matt and I could do something chill after. instead, there's a wedding party thing to attend. oh and that following Tuesday? Test #2.

the next weekend: well, we'd been thinking about a few things...doing bday stuff that weekend, or maybe I'd go to Oklahoma since I need to do my Christmas card sessions, and hadn't decided when to do it, and then I could celebrate with Anna. I figured we'd wait and see. We also just got invited to a Halloween party (which sounds like it'll be a LOT of fun!) but which also means that the potential Halloween/belated birthday party Matt and I had discussed as a possibility for that Friday or Saturday is out. Which is totally fine, I mean, we hadn't told anyone about it or anything (and halloween itself wouldn't've worked anyway, 'cause our neighboorhood has like no parking and lots of kiddos to trick-or-treat), but leads me back to the whole thing where I don't want to fill up other's calendars when I know they're already full, but I also want to cry at the idea of not celebrating my birthday with my friends. But trying to decide how to do it without hurting feelings or putting myself out is making my head spin.

the next weekend: we're into november, folks.

I guess I had been expecting the fall to be: finally take a trip to the Northeast, celebrate my birthday, go to the fair, study for class and take some pictures. and let our pocketbooks recover.

not five parties, trying to fit in a trip to OK, TX and GA, surgery, possibly not doing anything for my bday at all, working my ass off at my job and feeling obligated.

and if anybody out there is thinking a snarky thought right now (e.g., "woe is carrie, people want to hang out with her" or "must be hard being so popular")--'cause I've heard it before and I'm not very fond of it--to you I say: come join me at all the parties, events and study sessions, oh and let's rewind and let you be a part of my last four months of life. then? then let's see if you're so snarky, hmm?

anyway.

more soon. and I'll return to my sunshine and daisies self, promise.

lovingly,

your over-scheduled, grouchy, busy and likes-to-please-everyone friend.