i want to settle down.

no, no, I'm not thinking about babies and marriage. I mean, that's totally in my life plan, but not on the shorter-term agenda.

what I want is to decide that wherever I'm living isn't a short term stop. I don't need to know I'm going to live here for the next twenty years, but it would be really nice for me to know that I'm planning on being here for the next five.

sometimes I hate being in north carolina. your roads are funny. and you've made my accent worse--it was nearly non-existent before. you've made me like collards every-so-slightly and I think I'm allergic to you--and to your pine trees, which look ridiculous with their up-on-high branches. but then again while living here I've come to appreciate some of my favorite things. like painting and photography and ranunculuses. and gardening. and indie music. I have friends here. and a church. and some of both are more like family. I sorta-kinda know the area, and I make a darn good tour guide.

and don't even get me started on my boyfriend. :)

you've made me miss snowflakes and the oklahoma sky, and I hate deciding how to answer when people ask how I ended up here. do I tell them "because of a boy?" or "because of my ex-husband?" I really hate that part.

but I've come to realize I kind of love here. it's like when I realized my favorite color was pink--I just hadn't bothered to let that sink in yet. and now I find myself asking "why do I still think this is ultra-temporary? why am I still thinking about going elsewhere?"

and I just don't know.
I just don't know.

It seems like recently the stars have aligned...I just got what seems to be like a dream job for me--it'll be hard and all, but I've got an awesome boss and I'll get to write AND do engineering AND they seem to give positive feedback. I just achieved a life goal--who does that at 27?!?--and that published photo comes out in a week! I have this spectacular boyfriend who loves me and loves who I am--faults and all.

and yet I'm afraid to commit. I'm not willing to say I have plans to stay here. and I'm not willing to buy a house. I keep talking about how I'll stay here for two more years until I'm fully vested at work. or how I'll stay until I figure out about grad school--it's still a possibility, but it's not like it's imminent. I haven't found anything worth risking it all for.

I will have lived in NC for five years as of early june. three of them in this very same apartment. I hate moving. I'm financially stable. If I were just a teensy bit more frugal with my cash, I could afford a reasonable mortgage payment. I already have plenty of furniture and kitchen stuff. My lease is up in July.

It would be SO EASY. Or at least not rocket science. I could do it.

and yet there is still something holding me back. I sure wish I could figure out what's making me hesitate. sure do. maybe I should take the easy first step and see what I'd qualify for with a mortgage. just to see....maybe.