a proposed or tentative project or course of action

last night, over beer at bub o'malleys (which I thought I'd never been to but I actually have, except the people I went with just called it bub's) matt and I had a very good chat about my job. and my career path. and grad school. and being happy. and not limiting myself. and how we'll figure *us* out, but I've got to figure stuff out for me first.

and as any one of you who have been reading this blog, or who have ever talked to me about my job knows, I am not happy with it.

It pays pretty well (for a person my age anyway, but not for an engineer, actually) and it will look good on my resume, but otherwise? It's a bust.

It is not challenging.
It is not rewarding.
It is not interesting.
It is not what I want to be doing.
and it is not somewhere where I am learning, growing or gaining experience or skills (or even contacts) that I feel will help me later in my career.

and that makes me ever-so-slightly sick to my stomach.

I know that all in all, being an engineer is probably never going to be what's rewarding in my life. Some of my friends who work for non-profits, or who teach, or who are therapists or who work with kids or whatever, often feel like their job is a rewarding experience. To be honest, the best I can hope for is feeling like I'm helping people, somehow (it's actually a requirement I try to adhere to) and making sure that I'm helping myself in the process as well. And I feel like I'm capable of being an engineer, that my ability to be one was a gift to me, of sorts, and that I should use it. In the same way that musicians should make music and philosophical people should wax philosophical and mechanically-inclined people should utilize their mechanic inclinations, I should be an engineer because I've got the right skills for it.

but see, the thing is, I'm still not sure what I want to do next.

I know I don't want to move, but I also know that's not really a practical limitation to put on myself. I think I can say "I don't want to move far away" and that's much more reasonable.

I know I want to do something where I'm able to (and expected to) do a lot more thinking. Honestly, I've kind of stopped trying to put so much thought into my work here. Every single damn time I make a suggestion or offer an idea I have a moment much like those fed-ex commercials where the guy says the same thing but moves his hand while he says it. I've even tried emailing, so my ideas and suggestions have a record, but that doesn't help either. Matt keeps telling me that I should make a set of notecards--one that says "I just said that." and another that says, " again, I just said that." and another that says "are you f*cking kidding me? I just said that."

they would eliminate about 70% of the work related speaking I have with my project director.

except I've never said f*cking to him.

well, except for maybe under my breath.

but anyway, I'm off topic. so. my newest plan. you'll notice it's proposed and tentative. plans change. think whatever you like (or think I can never make up my mind) and that's okay, you're probably right. but I'm not one to go into a new course of action all willy-nilly, and I want to do what is best for me, what will make me happy. (which, as I already said, will never actually be my job, not as an engineer, but not having a job that I hate will do loads for my overall happiness, dontcha think?)

so I think that I'm going to bait a couple of hooks, cast a couple of lines and see what I catch.

I don't want to do more ChemE. It's too much math, I've gone through a plenty. And I'm not 100% sold on Materials Science and Engineering, but it's a much better option than what I am now. I know that my passion, as far as Engineering goes, is in chemistry and the environment, so an Environmental Engineering degree with a focus in green chemistry or environmental chemistry could be just what the doctor (or master!) ordered. But I am having a hard time with the idea that getting a mastering in Environmental Engineering would actually put me lower on the engineering totem pole...but then again, if it'd be better for me, who cares where I am on that totem pole? I mean, I'd still be on it, right?

But I also know that I'm really really really scared of not having a job and of not having dental insurance. All getting-to-Oklahoma-to-see-my-family money fears aside, the cost of my teeth is quite a limiting factor for me. And I kind of like being able to afford things I like. Not that I couldn't do it, I'm up for sacrificing, I'd just have to be confident that it was what's best for me.

So maybe I need a new job instead. You can work as an environmental engineer if you're a chemical engineer--I happen to kind of be the most versatile type of engineer there is. Or maybe I just need to work in a different type of field. Maybe energy? Maybe process development? I dunno.

I've got the right tools to start this. I may be young, but I'm nearly up to four years of experience (which is what a lot of jobs want if they don't want a newbie), I've got a strong research background, a good variety of job experience and I have the GRE under my belt. I feel like those factoids, along with my graduate classes and my people skills mean that maybe it's okay if I leave it kind of up in the air about where precisely to go. Why put all my eggs in one basket? And why not see what opportunities I can cook up?

so, um thanks for reading this little soliloquy of sorts. I feel a bit better just for having typed it. and I've looked up a few schools, and this weekend I'll update my resume, and I'll start the process. because now I at least know where to begin. and I'll keep you posted.