Thursday, August 11, 2011

not able to be controlled.

I sometimes worry about what to blog and whether or not what I am blogging is appropriate for my audience and/or if it's something that Matt would be okay with me talking about. This is one of those times.

My friend Christy and I were talking a few weeks ago about how the hardest thing about trying to get pregnant is that you have zero control over it. I mean, you can pee on sticks all month and time everything perfectly and you still only have a 20% chance of getting pregnant each month.

I've had many friends deal with difficulties getting pregnant--some are full on classified as having "infertility issues" while some just validated the statistic of it taking up to 12 months for your average couple under the age of 35. I've also had some friends get pregnant on the very first try. So, as much as I thought I could, I steeled myself for the reality that we probably wouldn't get pregnant on the first attempt. And I was/am okay with that.

But the things I haven't yet come to terms with are kind of driving me batty.

For one, that whole lack of control part. I am a very logical thinker. It is hard for me to understand that, well, let's put it this way...if you are baking a cake and you put in flour and sugar and eggs and vanilla and baking powder and milk and you mix it up and put it in the oven, you expect a cake, yes? That's not how it works for women. And I had no appreciation for that until this time in my life.

For two, the people. Oh, the people. Some are so, so well meaning. I've already had to explain to multiple people why it is that it is ill advised to ask a woman whether or not she is pregnant. I mean, either she is, and you've ruined the surprise, or she isn't, and you've just reminded her of this. Or, heaven forbid, she's in that window when you don't know. None are good options. I have had some sweet thoughts conveyed too--and I think one of my favorites was a friend who said she will never ask me about it, but that she was sending pregnancy vibes to me and was thinking of us and praying for us. And for that, I am grateful.

For three (which is kind of related to one), the timing. So. In ideal-land, Matt and I would like to have a child--a healthy, I don't care the gender child--whose birthday fell before Matt's summer break. Because in ideal-land, I would take my maternity leave, and then Matt would have the summer off, and we could delay childcare. We think this would be good for our as-yet-unconceived kiddo. And for our peace of mind. Only time will tell on this one.

But to end on a positive note, I do have something really great to say--which is that I am very glad to have my new boss. She had a little sit down with all of her employees, one on one, and I mentioned to her that Matt and I would like to have a family in the not-too-distant future because, well, it will affect my work. And it was SO amazing, because her response was happiness for us and our decision. Not considerations about workload or timelines. But instead, she made a little delightful squealy noise and told me that she was excited for us and our future plans, and then said that we'd just worry about work when that time came. TOTAL opposite from my old boss (who I do really like, but doesn't *get* it). And a huge stress relief. :)


Leanne...the walker said...

I completely identify with this post, Carrie. While Jarrod and I had no trouble getting pregnant, we did have some trouble staying pregnant and every comment, look, thought, smile, was a reminder that we we're pregnant. Or that we were, and expecting a baby is a scary place to be! Timing is important, but the baby will come when the baby is ready. It was not MY plan to be 6 weeks pregnant moving, starting a new job, etc. But that's what happened because we didn't think we'd get pregnant as quickly as we did. And now the rest of my life is completely uncontrollable. And for the first time EVER, I'm okay with that. The peace will come, but for now, I'm praying for you and Matt in this season. You'll miss it someday. :-)

Mickie said...

Ok I am waaay behind on reading this blog! I am a complete control freak & "was infertile". It's very difficult to reconcile the whole 'don't have a control over reproduction thing'. Of course then preggo #2 was a total shock (thought I was infertile!) and that's been even weirder esp with timing (due Dec 22?.. never would have wantd that!). I've tried to be positive about the lack of control(better at it now that it's been 6 years since we first started trying for Jaxon) and the people saying dumb things including family! But there's only so much you can do about other people, lol!

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