I guess that the past, oh,
I guess I just don't know how to handle giving and giving and trying to do the right thing and trying to be positive and then hearing some of the things she says. today? today it was that she'd given away something I'd given to her--and of course, as life would have it, it was something that I gave to her so "we'd both have one" because I knew she'd like it that we both had the same thing.
and then she gives it away.
and it's not the physical item that's such a big deal--but it's like, okay so I've been to oklahoma 3 times already this year. I'm going again in december, right? but not for the holidays. nope, just for a weekend. 'cause I've been THREE TIMES THIS YEAR. three times since JULY.
and I'm going again in three and a half weeks.
and you know what I'm getting? SHIT. (as in lip, not as in nothing) I'm getting a lot of boo-hooing that Matt and I aren't coming for Thanksgiving, and that we aren't coming for Christmas either.
from someone who has NEVER visited me. (I have yet to have a blood relative visit me here. even the one who used to live an hour and a half away. I have lived in North Carolina for six years and five months. and not ONCE. yet I get sh*t)
and though I am ABSOLUTELY throwing a little pity party over here, I'm also like "do other 'adults' have this problem? do their families visit them when they move far, far away? do you get lip about how frequently you do/don't go home? do you always pay for it?"
I have tried explaining that I am not made of money.
I have tried explaining that $300*2 tickets + car rental + eating out adds up REALLY fast.
I have tried saying I'll go solo. That isn't good enough.
I have tried to be reassuring saying "we're visiting in december, I promise!"
and then today, to get a text saying that the little actually-basically-worthless but still sentimental tiny trinket had been given away...well...it's just more than I can handle.
and I should say, for the record: this is mostly a beef with my sister--who, thankfully, does not read this blog. occasionally my brothers or my mother or my granny gives me a hard time, but I get this the VERY most from my sister. everyone else seems to *get* it. and, none of them can really travel here, not realistically. be it money or anxiety or lack of having-their-shit-together-ness, it's not really something that could happen, exactly. and I know and recognize that. but you would think that if *I* have come to that realization (and have pointed it out to ALL of them, mind you) then it wouldn't be like it is.
and, I should also say, Tulsa has a special place in my heart and I enjoy visiting it, (though I understand why some don't love it) BUT I don't want to spend, oh, a couple of mortgage payments a year going there. there are other places to go and people to see and things to do. and I have NEVER gone so many times in a 6-month span, and yet...still getting shit. le sigh.
anyway. things are okay. I'm okay. I've just lost all semblance of patience or pity, I guess. and I've had it.