Wednesday, November 18, 2009

i'm probably going to regret writing this

as my blog is a very public forum, BUT sometimes I just need perspective, and that's what i'm hoping to gain here.

I guess that the past, oh, 29 years few years I've felt like I give and I give and I give to someone. and occasionally she gives back, or tries, but...

I guess I just don't know how to handle giving and giving and trying to do the right thing and trying to be positive and then hearing some of the things she says. today? today it was that she'd given away something I'd given to her--and of course, as life would have it, it was something that I gave to her so "we'd both have one" because I knew she'd like it that we both had the same thing.

and then she gives it away.

and it's not the physical item that's such a big deal--but it's like, okay so I've been to oklahoma 3 times already this year. I'm going again in december, right? but not for the holidays. nope, just for a weekend. 'cause I've been THREE TIMES THIS YEAR. three times since JULY.

and I'm going again in three and a half weeks.

and you know what I'm getting? SHIT. (as in lip, not as in nothing) I'm getting a lot of boo-hooing that Matt and I aren't coming for Thanksgiving, and that we aren't coming for Christmas either.

from someone who has NEVER visited me. (I have yet to have a blood relative visit me here. even the one who used to live an hour and a half away. I have lived in North Carolina for six years and five months. and not ONCE. yet I get sh*t)

and though I am ABSOLUTELY throwing a little pity party over here, I'm also like "do other 'adults' have this problem? do their families visit them when they move far, far away? do you get lip about how frequently you do/don't go home? do you always pay for it?"

I have tried explaining that I am not made of money.
I have tried explaining that $300*2 tickets + car rental + eating out adds up REALLY fast.
I have tried saying I'll go solo. That isn't good enough.
I have tried to be reassuring saying "we're visiting in december, I promise!"

and then today, to get a text saying that the little actually-basically-worthless but still sentimental tiny trinket had been given's just more than I can handle.

and I should say, for the record: this is mostly a beef with my sister--who, thankfully, does not read this blog. occasionally my brothers or my mother or my granny gives me a hard time, but I get this the VERY most from my sister. everyone else seems to *get* it. and, none of them can really travel here, not realistically. be it money or anxiety or lack of having-their-shit-together-ness, it's not really something that could happen, exactly. and I know and recognize that. but you would think that if *I* have come to that realization (and have pointed it out to ALL of them, mind you) then it wouldn't be like it is.

and, I should also say, Tulsa has a special place in my heart and I enjoy visiting it, (though I understand why some don't love it) BUT I don't want to spend, oh, a couple of mortgage payments a year going there. there are other places to go and people to see and things to do. and I have NEVER gone so many times in a 6-month span, and yet...still getting shit. le sigh.

anyway. things are okay. I'm okay. I've just lost all semblance of patience or pity, I guess. and I've had it.


Leanne...the walker said...

Although I haven't experienced *exactly* what you're feeling, I have been there and understand the disappointment and frustration. Hang in there. The guilt trips ended pretty soon after I got married. I thought it would get worse (and probably will when kids come along!) but it has eased up some. Perhaps it's the newlywed bliss no one wants to disrupt. ;-)

Jax said...

:( Im sorry love. I think you've been more than patient with the sitch.. and I commend you. Just keep on keepin on and try not to let it get you down... You've got too much greatness going on to upset you. :) XOXO!

{lauryl} said...

This is a tricky subject, to be sure. Both of our parents have visited us since we've moved- in fact, each has come out twice despite them all living in OK. We've been in Cali for over three years now, so having them visit every year and a half or so has been good. Some of my siblings have visited, about half of them, and half of them have never come out. We go back to Tulsa rarely. Honestly, we love our family, but we don't want to waste what little vacation time we have in Tulsa. It's one of our least favorite places in the world. Ultimately though, I'd have to say that having physical distance has improved our relationships with our families, and one visit per year is plenty for us. They don't give us shit, probably because they know how we'd respond. ;-)

Zan said...

My parents didn't visit in Chapel Hill that much, and neither did my friends from college. What was worse for me, was being at the parents' house outside the city and the friends NEVER coming to do anything. Not dinner, a movie, just hang out. Not unless it was going to the boat and even then one didn't come one time because she didn't want to drive 25 miles to the lake. BTW, I'd come to Durham to visit you, and actually I miss you quite a bit. Hope things get better.

care said...

you know what's the strangest thing of all?

many of my friends have come to visit. jessica, renee (more than once! I think three times? or is it four?), sterling many times too, del, kelly blomme, matt r, shannon...I'm sure I'm forgetting. and then jackie came nearby so we went to play in DC!

I mean, seriously, a guy I met on an airplane came to visit. (we have become good friends since that day many moons ago) and matt's parents and his brother and sister-in-law have too.

and NONE of these people give me crap like my sister does. blows. my. mind.

anyway, next up: happy thoughts!

Renee said...

yeah, i am a super is true. but once i was helping you use a flight voucher that was going to expire which i guess makes me a SUPER super friend since i was visiting AND doing you a favor!

and, this probably isn't really a helpful thing to say, but i was thinking, "remember the source." again, not helpful or a way to cut down on the amount of shit, but you can most definitely say, "it's not me, it's you."

i too love tulsa, warts and all! :-)

Cassie said...

carrie, i feel your pain. i've dealt with the SAME things since moving out of NJ. you get the "oh i'll visit you soon" but they never actually come. but they have no qualms constantly asking you "when are you coming to see me?"

why? because i have a college degree and make good money you think i can just throw $200 out of the window for a plane ticket to see YOU? nevermind the mortgage payment, the electric bill, the cell phone bill (so i can TALK to you on a regular basis). it's definitely frustrating.

don't let it get you down. we all know you're doing the best you can. it's not easy to go back and forth halfway across the country all the time. maybe if these people did just that for you, they'd be more understanding to your situation and how it makes you feel.

Misha said...

Carrie - I am so sorry.

To answer your question... My sister lives in New York and has been there for 8 years (or more) and my mom has never been to see her. And my mom complains that she never comes back to Tulsa. It is horrible that family does that because it just pushes you away. Now my sister could give a crap about going there to visit.

Just telling you that you aren't alone. Doesn't really make it any better. I learned a long time ago that I have to let this kind of stuff just be "whatever" or it will drive me up the wall and I will sound just as frustrated as you do. Even if it is your blood relatives doing this to you!

brooke knight said...

dude! NEVER VISITED? NEVER? do they not realize how pretty NC is and that it is PROBABLY more interesting than TULSA and you could show them lots of cool things? Yeah try to let go of any guilt you may have been harboring because that is TRULY ridiculous. They are missing out!

gurdas said...


I do not remember you ever writing something so intimate. So, God bless. I learnt long ago, that it is foolish to value people who do not value you. One has only so much time and money, and it better be spent in showing love where love is being acknowledged. I do not have a personal family experience remotely close to you, but I still make sure expectations are set right from day one.

Managing relationships is like kite flying. You need to give some thread and you need to pull some thread.

Your sister should either acknowledge the effort you are making OR she ain't worth your time.

- G

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