to wear pants, or not to wear pants, that is the question...

Pants on—pants off? Pants on--pants off?

What a weird comment. Intriguing, but odd. Wonder if he’s kidding. Hmm. Maybe I should make a point of wearing a skirt instead. Foiled again, Batman!

Anyway.

I keep wondering if other people feel the way I sometime do. Does anybody else feel like their body and mind and soul are kinda at war with themselves? I keep having to do all of these things that “aren’t like me” in order to do “what’s best for me.” It’s so strange. It’s like I’m even arguing with myself on a molecular level. I feel like I have internal conflict.

I hate complications. Why does every damn thing have to be so damn complicated? Sometimes I wonder if it’s all some colossal joke. I just wish that ONCE something wouldn’t be so friggin’ involved. I mean, I know that all people have problems and complications and issue, but DAMN. Nothing is easy. And I’m tired of it.

I’m also tired of lies. Of telling and receiving. And I wish he hadn’t been IMing his future roommate while he was working on his take home test. That one stung. You never have time for me, never help me, never support me, never acknowledge me and never ever go even a teensy step out of your way to accommodate me, yet you have the audacity (not to mention the time, which is not as point-making as the word audacity) to IM her while taking this “big super important take home test.” You and Oscar Meyer have something in common. B-o-l-o-g-n-a. But you’re not even reading this.

And anyhow, apparently I’m not good enough to be worth the attention or the effort.

Of course, I don’t mean that. And I know it’s not true. But why-oh-why if I’m so fan-damn-tastic and amazing do people think they can treat me like this? And even more onerous is the fact that I’ve been willing to put up with it. There’s a big difference between being selfish and doing what’s in your own best interest. I must remind myself not to mistake one for the other.

I feel like this was very whiney. But it’s what I’m thinking right now. Maybe it will serve as some kind of catharsis. And I’ve got to take a catch-as-catch-can attitude with this one and take what I can get.
I keep thinking about how I really want to paint a series of paintings. Of I don’t know what. Not people—I’m not good at people. But I’m afraid it’s just a castle in the air. Maybe I need to put the foundations under it….