I think that God speaks to me in my dreams.

I mean, this wouldn't be a new thing--lest you forget about Joseph. Not that I'm a Joseph. But still.

You see, I've never really felt like I was "talking" to God. Communicating? Absolutely. But never talking. I'm a church-goer and a Christian, but that's not where I see God. Or experience God. Not exactly, anyway. (I mean, I see God there too, but that's not where I get the best seats in the house for seeing God, so to speak) I see God in the sunshine and in the amazingness of our eyeballs and in the perfection of the flower. In the process and in nature. That is where I experience God, too. In the amazingly detailed beauty and functionality of life of all types.

Is that a little unconventional? Probably. Possibly. I don't know and I don't know that I care--because I've come to realize that's how it is for me. Call me crazy, call it a gift, call it what you will. It's reality.

Kind of like my dreams.

So, I am having a bit of a breakdown right now. I'm feeling very overwhelmed and very helpless. Don't get me wrong--most of my life is really, really good. Matt is amazing! We are getting married! I have a fantastic job (even though I'm working my ass off)! I am making a difference in the world! I am overwhelmed with the number of amazing people I have the honor of calling my friend! My photography business is fantastic and growing!

I own a nice house and have almost paid for my car. I have a roof over my head and food to eat and I am a fortunate, fortunate gal.

but.

this is going to sound over-dramatic, but I assure you it's not. I have my final next Thursday. Yesterday I really realized that this final is going to make or break the possibility of me getting a masters from NCState. I did TERRIBLY on the first test. (lots of people did.) I was doing okay on the homeworks until the last two--one of which the average was a 45%. he's curving it. I will still be given a "F" for that assignment. yes, you read that right. An F. Right now I am guessing that I have a solid C.

we get our test #2 back today. I looked at the solution posted yesterday, and I am not getting warm fuzzies about my performance.

so, anyway, my transcript at State already looks kind of crazy. I got a C in a material science class that I HATED. the one that convinced me it wasn't for me. So that's already a HUGE black mark even though that class wouldn't transfer in even if I'd made an A+ in it.

if I don't ace the final and get a B or higher (B- won't cut it) I am pretty sure that they won't let me in. and aceing the final isn't exactly feasible--obviously I don't know the material. there is not a book I can re-read. there aren't even good notes.

so. I kind of freaked out yesterday when the full impact of this situation hit me. I might've cried on and off for, um, hours. I realized that it is my JOB that is making this so hard. I am very capable. But when I'm working 10-12 hour days, grad school is kind of impossible.

I mean, I'm trying to make time. I told my boss I couldn't keep this up. I found some help with photo editing. I've started making Matt get or make dinner, like, three times a week. I've hired someone to clean my house. I've tried SO hard. but it's just not enough. it's never enough, it seems.

anyway.

yesterday I decided a few things:
1. I will apply to grad school this December.
2. Maybe it is okay not to get my masters right now. Or ever.
3. Alea iacta est. The die is cast. What is done cannot be undone. It is what it is.

I was still kind of freaking out about it. I mean, I don't DO the whole quitting thing. It's just not in my blood or in my heart. but...well...alea iacta est. So if I get in? I get it in. I get my masters in Civil Engineering. If I don't get in? I don't get in. So be it. Maybe I'll find somewhere else to go. Maybe I won't go at all. But what's done is done.

now, to the dream.

last night, even though I only slept for 6 hours I had three different dreams. I can only remember one of them, but I remember it SO vividly. [warning, this sounds kind of gross] a small beetle was on my stomach, and it was coming out of the little hole/owie it had made where it bit me. it was teeeeeny tiny, smaller around than a pencil eraser. and I saw a flash of green when the light hit it.

so, I looked it up.

I didn't know it in my dream, but once I saw a picture, I am certain that it was a small scarab beetle. "To see a scarab in your dream, symbolizes your ability to survive, adapt, and change. You are on the right path. You may also feel that your values and beliefs are being compromised."

It bit my stomach, right? To see your abdomen in a dream, refers to your natural instincts and repressed emotions. There is something in your real life that you "cannot stomach" or have difficulties accepting. You need to get it out of your system.To dream that you abdomen is exposed, signifies trust and vulnerability. To see your own stomach in your dream, suggests the beginning of new changes in your life. It may refer to your difficulties with accepting these changes. It is also indicative of how you can no longer tolerate or put up with a particular situation, relationship, or person.

And since it bit me...To dream that you are being bitten, represents your vulnerability regarding some unresolved issues or emotions. You may be pestered by a problem or obstacle.The dream may also be a metaphor indicating that you have bitten off more than you chew. Perhaps you have have too much to handle.

uh, yeah. you get that? I did.

I actually felt very comforted by this dream. (yes, comforted by a dream about a scarab beetle biting my stomach) It was kind of like an "it's all gonna be okay Carrie. Pinkie swear. There, there. There's a method in the madness, I promise. Now, keep on trucking, okay?"

so. maybe the masters isn't my path.
maybe this particular masters isn't my path.
or, maybe it is my path.
but right now? right now I'm right.where.I.need.to.be.

the rest will figure itself out.