i never have pity parties in october...

but I think I might be having a little bit of one today.

I am tired.
Went to sleep at 1130 to be awoken a 3 by matt in the shower (he had a headache), 330 by my on-the-night-shift twin mistakenly dialing me, 515ish by Gobi meowing because he's no longer allowed to sleep in bed with me and 615-645 by matt's alarm.

I am frazzled.
My home is a box-filled disaster area and I need to do some seriously cleaning and unpacking. It's kind of stressing me out. Also, I am REALLY enjoying the success of my photography work and I'm really enjoying my class, but I am starting to feel terribly overbooked.

I am saddened.
Perhaps I should not have opted for my black sweater today, the color seems to be affecting my mood. Over the past, oh, two years I've had some friend things happen that just make me melancholy. And a little angry. Maybe it's that I search for something in my gmail and an old email comes up, maybe a word or phrase or name triggers a memory, and even just today, hearing of someone's actions confirmed the reality of their attitude.

In a life where I know that there are FAR bigger issues than mine it's hard to ignore the little pinpricks when I feel like someone's harsh words might ring true all the time, you know? Like how someone once told me I was too attentive of a friend, or someone else told me that I said hurtful things all the time and didn't even realize it. I'm not and I don't. And I'm not mad about it or at the people who said those things to me...it just upsets me that when I get in moods like this I second-guess everything I do or say.

and it's hard to give yourself a reality check or a pep talk when you're busy being melancholy.

at least it isn't february, hmm?

on a lighter note...eh, sorta....

last night I talked to my granny about politics. this is not new. but I told her why I think she should reallyreallyreally consider NOT voting republican. yes, this to my granny because of whom I initially registered as a republican 'cause if she'd asked me point blank how I was registered and I told her I wasn't republican I was genuinely afraid she'd either send me to a conservative christian boot camp or take away my car and insurance. yeah. so, last night I told her she should write in Al Gore before she voted republican this go-round. Somewhat because of the VP. Okay, a lot because of the VP. He wasn't so bad until he chose his VP. But also? I heard something more alarming than the vote she might cast...

my granny thinks (thought) that drilling for oil just wasn't a big deal, that it doesn't have a huge impact on the environment. she thought that the environmental impacts of oil drilling were completely insignificant and that the dems were like hiding between this huge lie or something. Kind of like people who think that because car emissions have been lowered they're okay now. (and for the record, misha hit on a point about emission that is really very valid in the comments here. there is a balance. there absolutely is. and regulation sometimes seems to not see the forest for the trees, methinks)

but, WHAT? drilling for oil isn't a big deal? you have GOT to be kidding. I told her about spills, about what happens to the fish in the ocean, about how it suffocates living things, about how after that we have the transportation emissions, the refining emissions, the post-refining transportation emissions, the fugitive emissions, the emissions when you fill up your gas tank AND the emissions generated by driving. Yes, refineries and auto manufacturers have done quite a bit to clean it up, but there's only so much more they can feasibly do, and no matter how you view it, big picture this is a PROBLEM.

period.

she asked, so I told her about solar power and wind power, the advantages and disadvantages. I told her about hydropower and that neato turbine that kills far fewer fish. we talked about why it's necessary and what makes it real. today I might have to tell her how maybe we should all paint our roofs white, how using reflective paint or shingles on the 1,000 sq. ft. roof of the average American home sends enough heat back into space to offset 10 metric tons of CO2 emissions. and that if all roofs and pavement in the world's 100 biggest urban areas were switched to reflective surfaces, we'd offset an extraordinary 44 billion metric tons of CO2―more than the entire world emits in a year.

but I digress.

do you know what is disgusting? my granny didn't come up with this whole "drilling is okay" thing by herself. she heard it or read it somewhere. and the fact that someone (likely with a political agenda) is spreading those falsehoods is one of the worst things I may have ever heard.