not able to be controlled.

I sometimes worry about what to blog and whether or not what I am blogging is appropriate for my audience and/or if it's something that Matt would be okay with me talking about. This is one of those times.

My friend Christy and I were talking a few weeks ago about how the hardest thing about trying to get pregnant is that you have zero control over it. I mean, you can pee on sticks all month and time everything perfectly and you still only have a 20% chance of getting pregnant each month.

I've had many friends deal with difficulties getting pregnant--some are full on classified as having "infertility issues" while some just validated the statistic of it taking up to 12 months for your average couple under the age of 35. I've also had some friends get pregnant on the very first try. So, as much as I thought I could, I steeled myself for the reality that we probably wouldn't get pregnant on the first attempt. And I was/am okay with that.

But the things I haven't yet come to terms with are kind of driving me batty.

For one, that whole lack of control part. I am a very logical thinker. It is hard for me to understand that, well, let's put it this way...if you are baking a cake and you put in flour and sugar and eggs and vanilla and baking powder and milk and you mix it up and put it in the oven, you expect a cake, yes? That's not how it works for women. And I had no appreciation for that until this time in my life.

For two, the people. Oh, the people. Some are so, so well meaning. I've already had to explain to multiple people why it is that it is ill advised to ask a woman whether or not she is pregnant. I mean, either she is, and you've ruined the surprise, or she isn't, and you've just reminded her of this. Or, heaven forbid, she's in that window when you don't know. None are good options. I have had some sweet thoughts conveyed too--and I think one of my favorites was a friend who said she will never ask me about it, but that she was sending pregnancy vibes to me and was thinking of us and praying for us. And for that, I am grateful.

For three (which is kind of related to one), the timing. So. In ideal-land, Matt and I would like to have a child--a healthy, I don't care the gender child--whose birthday fell before Matt's summer break. Because in ideal-land, I would take my maternity leave, and then Matt would have the summer off, and we could delay childcare. We think this would be good for our as-yet-unconceived kiddo. And for our peace of mind. Only time will tell on this one.

But to end on a positive note, I do have something really great to say--which is that I am very glad to have my new boss. She had a little sit down with all of her employees, one on one, and I mentioned to her that Matt and I would like to have a family in the not-too-distant future because, well, it will affect my work. And it was SO amazing, because her response was happiness for us and our decision. Not considerations about workload or timelines. But instead, she made a little delightful squealy noise and told me that she was excited for us and our future plans, and then said that we'd just worry about work when that time came. TOTAL opposite from my old boss (who I do really like, but doesn't *get* it). And a huge stress relief. :)

yada yada yada--fifteen hundred posts.

hi. this is my 1500th post. it makes me kind of sad to realize that if you graphed my posting frequency, that graph would be a fairly level line for a long time and then peter out. oh well.

last night for dinner, on a total whim, I made this. I changed it up a little, but it was essentially this, and it was GOOD.

Matt and I have been playing this "game" where we try to use things we already have. Total shocker, I know. But some, um....let's go with the phrase "unfortunate family absurdity" [on my side] has made us decide to try to be much more intentional with our purchases, due to the likelihood of that absurdity weighing on our personal pocketbook in the not-crazy-distant-future. oh, life.

but anyway.

-we had sausage on hand from our weekly CSA. it was "hot" and I think that heat added a lot!
-I used rice we had instead of the kind they listed
-I added garlic (I always add garlic!)
-and I only used one can of tomatoes and then used up some ripe ones we had laying around. I am LOVING the summer tomatoes. I think that the dish could've had even more tomatoes!
-oh and I omitted the greens. it wasn't purposeful, I just forgot. but since I have green smoothies every day, I didn't feel so terrible about it. :)

I would've taken pictures, but honestly? I was hungry!

also, this little milestone (and the milestones I'd like to have happen in the next short while, and some recent events) have gotten me thinking about who I was in December of 2004 and who I am now. Of the many, many changes and adventures and terrible and amazing things that have happened in the interim. And of what I thought was right or wrong, and what could or should be...and it's just making me very thankful for all of the awesome that's come into my life in the last seven-ish years. (And grateful for the awesome that was there already and is still there today!)

I promise my next post will have pictures. pinkie swear!

I....I predict a riot.

~kaiser chiefs

my dear friend lisa b-w called me out on my lack of blogging last night, and I realized that she is right. :)

so here's what I'll tell you...

I read The Time Machine.
I'm now reading The Girl Who Pl@yed With Fire. And you know what? The front cover is CHEEEEESY. I didn't even notice how cheesy until yesterday. But it's cheesy.

Last weekend was very wonderful and very, very much needed. I went to Ohio to see Jessica. Jessica my bridesmaid, Jessica my friend of forever, Jessica the awesome. We decorated more of her little girl's room (Jessica's due in late September) and did a whole lot of sewing. Some of it I'll be putting on my photography blog, and some of it I have to wait to tell you about until after tomorrow because it's a surprise for her husband Cody.

we also made pi0neer w0man's watermelon granita. and it was DELISH. we really, really loved it. it was kind of hysterical getting the pans of granita in her freezer (she has the double-door fridge/freezer) and we almost got granita everywhere because I was laughing hysterically, but it made it in, and we ate it. and ate it. and ate it. mmmm...oh and the watermelon we got was amazingly ripe. and in the picture with the knife, all I had done was push the point of the knife into the rind and it split like this. crazy!

also, we went to the farmer's market (I have pictures, I'll add 'em later) and we found out about Ludlow cheese. It is UNREAL. And it's pasteurized. I liked it so much I got information from the farmer because they ship their cheese. We made tacos on Saturday night, along with guac and our watermelon granitas, and you know how usually in tacos it's the beef that steals the show? Well we had ground turkey, and let me tell you--I didn't even notice anything other than the deliciousness of that ludlow.

what else, what else....

yesterday we won our softball game, which made me very very happy! I love my team, but it's been a bit hard playing on it this season 'cause we've not been winning much. I firmly believe it's how you play the game that matters, but let's be honest, it's nice to win sometimes! So I was super excited to win! After our last game I told our team that if we won our next one I'd buy the first round when we went out to eat. We went to a Mexican food place in Morrisville, and I totally lucked out--because I give you Girl Scout's honor I didn't know, but draft beers were only 99 cents! Matt and I had dinner and bought a round of beer for $16.32! AMAZING!

tonight I'm going to the Bull's game with the KayDees and tomorrow I head to Charlotte for the wedding of the fabulous Thomas and Suzanne!

I've been reading.

a lot.

and I decided I should try and write out the books I've read this year. It's probably the most I've read in a loooong time. ready?


The Lost Symbol
(most of) Italian Survival Guide
Unwind
The Hunger Games
Catching Fire
Mockingjay
The Underland Chronicles: Gregor the Overlander
The Underland Chronicles: Gregor and the Prophecy of the Bane
A Discovery of Witches (which I LOVED)
Her Fearful Symmetry
and I think there were one or two more but I'm not recalling right now...

and I'm currently reading
The Alchemist
The Time Machine

and I have a bunch of other books waiting at home for me to read, but I am ADDICTED to reading on a kindle. especially because I can read it on my iphone when, say, I am waiting in line. or at lunch. LOVE that.

I've been reading, too, as a kind of stress releasing thing. When I was in college I would allow myself to read Harry Potter for 10 minutes every night, no matter how busy I was or tired I was, because it was something fun to do! So I'm trying to read just a little bit every night. And I like it.

Any book recommendations?

I think I am nesting.

not in the way that you say it about pregnant women (not pregnant, y'see), but in the way where we've decided to continue to reside in our home for a while, so we're re-appropriating the space. and the previous most-eyesore-ish of a room is quickly becoming one of my favorites.

but I am showing the "the tendency to arrange one's immediate surroundings, such as a work station, to create a place where one feels secure, comfortable, or in control." (here)

I was too ashamed to take a "before" picture, and we're still working on it. but the room is going to be pretty kickin' when we're done.

But, here are some in progress pics: Namely, clockwise from top left, "Sweet Mustard" paint, a piece of art to color-coordinate in the room, said "free desk" pre-painting (and relocated from who knows where before) and the moved and reorganized shelf! The color-order part of it is (understandably) distressing to some people (oh, no! the harry potter books aren't all together! how will you find them?) but it makes me very happy! I have plans to re-work the books a little so that some of the pink from the top middle shelf spills over onto the shelf o' white books at the top left, and it was also suggested that instead of putting my little knick-knacks and chotchkies (Matt says that word in a hilarious way, ps) with their matching colors, perhaps I should put them with complimentary colors instead. we shall see.

Next up on the list: (in no particular order)
-fill magazine holders w/ magazines that are throughout the house
-go through the boxes of stuff that were under the desks
-put bins in the other shelf and fill them as needed (cat stuff, exercise stuff, games, who knows what else)
-return Nicole's silverware! neither of us realized I still had it!
-decide what to do about my kl!ppan loveseat! (re-cover? donate?)
-decide what to do about my tullst@ chair. (re-cover? try to re-cover myself?)
-get a slip cover for matt's beloved recliner
-maybe build/buy/create some kind of a cover for the litter boxes?
-decorate!!! (cover the fuse box with something easy-to-remove, potentially put up our beer decor we've been collecting)
-decide how to paint the vintage metal file drawer I bought a while ago. (on my birthday weekend!) not totally unlike this one. it is currently dark green, a little rusty in places and definitely needs to be cleaned off. I'm thinking it might end up in a metallic something or other. possibly pewter or silver? I dunno. I need to see how it looks on/near the desk :)

and also? attack the other rooms. I keep telling Matt how different our house is going to look in a few months! Let's hope I'm right!

let's see here...DC.

I have, let me see...ZERO pictures from our quick jaunt up to DC a few weeks ago--but let me tell you, it was worth it.

We went to meet the cutest little girl. Her name is Lily. You probably have heard tell of her parents--Mary Alise and Michael. I've known them for...whoa. Is it nearly seven years? Or going on six years? I'm not sure. But in any case, Mary Alise is one of my best friends, and Michael is like the older brother I never had. And I love them very very much. And I love their little girl too.

She was fussy and sleepy, but she was also so cuddly and warm and loving. And I look forward to taking her on a roller coaster in, like, twelve years. Mary Alise and Michael don't *do* roller coasters--so "Aunt" Carrie and "Uncle" Matt have agreed to take on that duty. :)

We left for DC at, oh, 11am-ish. I had been at a wedding in Burlington the night before and got home around midnight. So we packed up and headed their way! We got there around 5 (traffic. bruegger's. gas. bathroom stops. more traffic.) and hung out for a bit, held Lily for a good while, talked about poop and breastfeeding and the joy of getting enough sleep, and ate some yummy pizza.

And then? Crazy folks that we are--we hit the road to return to Durham. We brought stuff to stay the night, but decided to drive back instead. I guess we left at like 930? And got home at like 2. Matt wanted to get back so he could go to the teacher workday that Monday, and I figured I'd just go to work late on Monday instead of taking PTO. Plus, no $$ on a hotel! (they would've let us stay with them, too, but we didn't want to disrupt their system!)

I am already looking forward to seeing that little cutie pie again! And of course my dear friends. :) Yay for dear friends having babies! Quite a few have in the past year and a half! And of course I have two new nieces in the last year too! :)

it occurs to me that...

it's been nearly a month since I last posted. for shame. for shame!

it's actually really refreshing knowing that we are staying in our house for a while longer. it means we can DO things. and it's worth our while to organize and decorate further. okay, well, let's be real...it's always (almost) worth it to organize further. decorate? eh, not so much.

it has been far too long since I last did something "creative." okay, that might be a bit over the top too. technically photography is being creative. but girlfriend needs to paint. or sew. or craft. anybody want to come craft at my house? my pinterest is full of ideas. :)

I have lots of stories to tell you. I'll get right on that. to hold me accountable, we've got DC, Asheville, Charlotte and Oklahoma to talk about. el pronto.

well, this is new.

first, an update: here's where our italy blog is located. we're only through the first part of our trip, but I'm working on the second part. :D

so, this weekend, for the first time in a long time, and definitely for the first time since algebra II, I felt like a math whiz. specifically the math whiz who, in let's say high school, the cool kids buddied up to so they could get math help, and then totally ignored as soon as math was over.

maybe it was jet leg, maybe I was hormonal, maybe a whole lot of things--but that's how I felt. and it was kind of surreal because I just kept thinking about how I'd made damn certain not to be that girl in high school. and in college we were all working our tails off, so that person rarely existed in ChE.

and yet I found myself feeling that way. I didn't even realize we were on the path until we got to the destination--but in retrospect I should've known the whole time.

thankfully, it was about nothing terribly important. or that could result in detention. :) but gee whiz. very disconcerting.

also new? thinking about the timelines of life, and wondering when/if there will be a baby/fetus and whether or not I need to (or will need to) change things because of that. the not knowing is kind of obnoxious but also kind of refreshing. and that, for lack of a better word, surprises me. I LOATHE surprises y'see (well, honestly I should clarify--I loathe surprises that I know are coming--I'm peachy with a side of keen about surprises that are a total surprise) So it is kind of fun that I think this whole not-knowing, not-getting-to-plan thing is delightful. :)

who knew?

also delightful...
-yesterday I won $75 from des!gn @glow, a very cool ph0tographer resource!
-yesterday I also won a free acupuncture session at the place I've been wanting to try out (I've never done acupuncture before but have heard amazing things)
-yesterday I got free strawberries, too! I'm going to try making fruit leather tonight! (like fruit rollups!)
-I get to photograph a wedding this weekend! woohoo!
-and I get to go meet little Lily, the wonderful daughter of Mary Alise and Michael. Seriously can't wait to meet her!

Oh yeah--and also...IT'S FRIDAY! Thank goodness!

if people do it in a 5th floor walk up in new york, I can do it in my townhome.

the thing I'm talking about is having a baby.

but let me clear something up real quick: NOT PREGNANT. got it? good.

so, the trip to Italy was incredibly incredible, and I will tell you about it post-haste. but I'm going that on a whole separate blog because, well, I want lots of people to get to read it and I don't want all those folks reading this one. capisce?

matt and I have been jibbering and jabbering about buying a house. I already own a nice little townhome. 1600 sqft, with patio and a deck and a two car garage, 2.5 bathrooms and two bedrooms. yes, it's sans a much-missed coat closet and you have to immediately walk up stairs to enter into it, but it's pretty cute and functional and in a good location.

however.

we (okay, maybe *I*) seem to have house-lust. and I seem to have fallen victim to one of the classic blunders--thinking that just because everyone else is doing it, you should too.

aside from my next door neighbors and one couple we know, I can't think of anyone in my area that has a baby or is anticipating the arrival of a baby that does not have a biiiiig sprawling house. one with 3+ bedrooms and seventeen bathrooms and a spacious yard. and one that does not have steep steps that you must climb in order to enter. I think I might have had a case of the Joneses.

except not anymore.

it's a crummy time to sell a house. and now that we've been in it for nearly 3 years (as of the 16th, actually) we have enough equity that we could, potentially, sell. and at least break even. but really, truly...it just doesn't make sense. or cents.

so, if they can do it in a 5th floor walk up in new york, I can do it in my townhome.

and in the meantime, we will be playing the rearranging game.

currently there are THREE couches in our mostly-unused downstairs bonus room. Two of them need to be outta there. The third, Nicole's old couch that's a sleeper, needs to have sole billing. Along with Matt's recliner that he loves so very much. And I have plans.

Our current guest room/Carrie's crafty stuff room/catch all will remain as a guest room. And a potential future nursery.

Our downstairs, aka bonus room, which we call the "basement"--I have big plans for there. I think it requires drawing a picture. But I think we'll rearrange it and add some desk space and integrate some storage so I can put my crafty stuff in there. We initially thought it would be a cool "party space"--but in reality? eh. Not so amazing.

And I'm still wondering about our living area. We have the same quandary as before--how to arrange the couch...I'm thinking we need a bigger TV so we can put the couch across the room and really open up that space. Matt isn't a huge fan of this idea, but I am! I definitely want the TV to be visible from the kitchen and dining area, but otherwise I'm up for options.

so, yeah. focus on decorating and changing. and maybe just maybe some painting. (matt might keel over at this too. shhhh don't tell him yet)

I promise I'll give before and after pictures. We just have to stay in town enough consecutive weekends to accomplish something!

all my bags [aren't] packed and I'm ready to go!

fo rizzle.

I keep looking at my calendar of italy and the names of the cities we're visiting that are written on it for every day we are there.

I keep talking about the trip, and every time someone asks me about my ventures out of the states (a two day trip to vancouver when I was 14 doesn't count) I almost tear up thinking about how long I've wanted to go to italy. (interesting sidenote--it was about, oh, 4 months after my little family trip to vancouver that I first wanted to see ancient rome)

I keep thinking I need to pinch myself.

I keep making lists. And learning words. And preparing the best I can. Oh, and I keep having crazy dreams. Like, last night I had a dream I felt like I was pregnant, and I wanted to take a pregnancy test, but things kept keeping me from it. One bathroom had no toilets. Another time I had to hide the pee-stick and it snapped in half. And then I had to steal another pregnancy test because I had ruined the other one and had no cash. It was all very weird.

The night before I dreamed I was jumping/flying up things. Like, crouching and lifting off. There was a building and I think I was trying to sneak into a room. Weird too.

right. I'm crazy, I know.

back to list making... :)

I feel a little like a messed up dr. seuss rhyme.

I have misplaced some earrings. I have been looking for them everywhere. It is making me crazy.

but it seems they are nowhere to be found. I'm sure they're hiding out somewhere, and one fine day they'll glimmer and shine at me to let me know they're there. but now? I keep thinking of green eggs and ham.

I did not find them in their box.
I did not find them with a fox.
I did not find them in a house
I did not find them with a mouse
I did not find them here or there.
I did not find them anywhere.

sigh. I've made a list of everywhere I've gone since the last time I had them in my hot little hands. They were in my wallet, y'see. Along with another pair of earrings and some change that I found safely in my purse. (The zipper to my wallet came un-zipped). So, the laws of physics are definitely not happy with this, methinks.

so yeah.

I do not like green eggs and ham.
I do not like them, Sam-I-am.

alright alright, hey-hey, alright alright, yeah.

I wish I could remember what that's from. I don't. Oh well!

I am having an "I hate money" kind of day. I always hate money. There's never enough of it, it seems, and even when you make your mind up to be thankful for what you have, something happens to make you feel all brokedy-broke again.

case in point:

we have been saving for italy. planning for italy. thinking, breathing, sleeping, reading, learning for italy. so what happens less than a week before the italy trip?

a) a $270 convention that I want to go to but I'll be late to it, I'll have to take PTO to go to it AND I am supposed to pay for it by tomorrow night or the cost goes to $300,

b) a trip to Tulsa over the 4th of July (which we were also planning for, but not quite yet, but then realized we only had two weekends could go), accompanied by a credit card fiasco (long story) that means that instead of getting to take advantage of spending after the due date, thereby delaying that expense, we owe it sooner and

c) owing for the next session of the CSA already.

Now, I'm sure you're thinking: "But, Carrie, you've got a roof over your head and you eat well and you aren't, like, poor or anything, buck up!" And I know this. But I think I can explain.

Y'see, in my neck of the woods, money isn't something I think about eeeeevery day. I don't figure and analyze and add and subtract and take money out of savings all in one day. I don't obsess. I think about it, I try to be mindful, I pay my bills and I use what's left over to pay off debt/flights/etc. But because this Italy trip is costing quite a few more clams than we expected (our hotel costs were higher than anticipated by ~$50 a night, which is another long story, but is what it is), and because we don't want to be overly frugal the whole time we are there (why bother traveling to Italy if we're going to obsess over every penny and, like, choose mickey d's over pasta because of the $5 we'd save or whatever), money has been on my mind.

And it's making me crazy.

annnnd, full disclosure, I also feel a little sheepish because I just posted on my arch nemesis, aka FB, that I wish the $270 wouldn't've had the increase in price deadline happen in the middle of the month. If it were the 1st of the month? golden. but it's not. so, now I weigh the value of delayed paying v. paying $30 more. UGH. but now I feel like whiney-mc-whinersons because of it.

I mean, I'm going to friggin' ITALY. I should be rolling in the money, yes? Um, no. We saved. We shopped around. And we're gonna owe some after this (sorry for anyone who is a D.R@msey fan who just shuddered at that notion). We are going now not because we're rife with cash, which for the record, we're not--but because we can manage, and because we know we won't be going once there's a bambino in the picture--not on a 10 day overseas excursion. So we're making it work now because that makes the most sense to us. Capisce?

Right. Anyway. When it rains it pours or whatever. It will all be fine. I am sure that this is just the way I'm focusing my crazy right now since I've already made enough lists, done enough searches and learned enough words in Italian to make anyone a little nuts. :D Please do excuse my ranting. I'll return you to your regularly scheduled programming...

crazy insane or insane crazy?

(when I say husse!n you say shady)

~em!nem.

I have been wondering if I am crazy insane or super-dee-duper-practical. y'see, in not long at all (cough*cough*less*than*two*weeks*cough) Matt and I head to Italy. And I am getting annnxious.

I mean, okay, so I just told the blogiverse when we leave. But most of my readers are people I know, friends of people I know, or people who don't live in my general vicinity. And a few random visitors and/or lurkers (hi there!). And the beauty of this blog is that you don't find it using g00gle, at least not if you're trying to find *me.*

right. so.

I am WAY worried about the whole random-folks-knowing-I'm-gone thing. Like, we have someone taking care of our cats and our neighbors are gonna keep an eye out. And that's just amazing! But I'm still nervous. Yesterday, this thing we do that I can't talk about unless you come watch television at my house (seriously!) told me they wanted to know the exact dates we were gonna be gone and a local contact who could let them in if necessary. Um, nope. Not letting a stranger into my home while we're gone, for one, and for two I'm not asking any friends to do that--don't want to put them in that position.

I wondered if I was being a bit paranoid. Or very practical. Or both. And then...

then I started contemplating a temporary change on FB so that no one could write on my wall. Because I don't want a lot of "have so much fun in Italy! hope today's flight goes smoothly" all over the place. 'Cause if you can find me on FB, you can find my home address. And not just because I have a business. But is that too extreme? I mean, on one hand, FB posts have caused actual real drama in my life. Oh the other hand, who is really going to break into a piddly little townhome, and what's the actual value of the things they could take (honestly, it's not like it's nothing, but it's also not like it's 100k or anything).

So, yeah. I dunno. I'm either crazy insane or insane crazy. Or totally practical. Or both.

Where's the extreme? I really think not letting repair folks in my house (with someone I designate) makes sense--whatever it is, it can likely wait. Or it's so bad that there won't be any second thought and I have no control of it. (e.g., fire, plague of locusts, flooding, acts of God, etc) (ps, the phrase "acts of God" makes me want to add "no tag-backs!") I dunno. Is taking away my FB wall too much? Is it too little? Should I have pretended we were going in, like, July and then surprised everyone when we left and came back? What do you think?

chiedo scusa per il mio stupido amico ubriaco americano

I've been brushing up on my Italian. AKA memorizing phrases and numbers because, well, that's all I've got. I have had aspirations of actually learning to speak Italian for a looooong time, but that's just not in the cards. And I don't think I really want to put forth that level of effort.

I have been in a very contemplative mood recently. I've been thinking a lot about choices. And change. And money. And decisions. And life. I've been wondering about a final foray into grad school, and if I'm ready for that again. Or if I even want it. Or if I'm prepared for what might happen if I don't get in. I've been thinking about whether or not we should try to move into a house this summer. It's a lot to consider.

And I've been trying to decide where I want my photography business to go. I'm getting a little burnt out already and the busy season is just beginning--and I'm once again considering limiting my clients to only couples, weddings and children over X age. Little kids are super cute and I love them, but it's much harder work and I find that the majority of the unreasonable requests I get come from parents with, like, a 3 month old. And I always have the most fun working with couples. But then sometimes the kiddos are amazing! I just dunno.

I've also started translating expenses (such as a flight to Tulsa, or that dress I want, or a new lens) into their equivalent in travel. e.g., when looking for flights to Tulsa last night I realized that for two plane tickets to Tulsa + a month of cable and internet we could fly to Italy again. (well, at the deal we got) That's insane, friends. Insane.

Right.

In exciting news:
-My work will be featured on a wedding blog next week.
-It's not too long until we head to Italy!
-Delicious, amazing, beautiful strawberries are in season.
-Softball is happening SOON!
-and I'm alllllllmost free of the evil clutches of TAP. Next Tuesday I am OUT. And I'm thrilled.

the end.

except, oh yeah. the title is "please excuse my stupid, drunk, American friend." just thought that would be a good one to keep in my back pocket, just in case we have another round of ridiculous hand gestures while saying names of cheeses and pastas. :)

the thoughts in my head...

viva italia!

in 24 days I will be embarking upon what I hope will be the most amazing trip of my life to date. don't get me wrong, the engage-a-cation was incredible, and I saw the first view that literally rendered me unable to speak, and it was so.much.fun--BUT....it is no Italy. Today I am thinking about walking around Monterosso al Mare and seeing the Roman Forum. I keep thinking about the Via Appia and Romulus and Remus and the Tiber River.

and in a very strange way, part of me wants to not bring my camera all. to just drink it all in with my eyes and hear the sounds and smell the scents. logical carrie knows that I'd cry and cry and cry if I didn't have my camera. perhaps I'll just need to be careful that I don't constantly have my camera connected to my face. :)

loss

today I have received word of two friends of mine who are experiencing losses--one of a grandparent, the other of a dear friend who was fighting breast cancer. this gal was diagnosed when she was 24 and has been fighting for two years.

while talking about it with another friend, via text, she mentioned that she just hadn't had too much experience with death. which made me realize that, sadly, I have. since stacey in the third grade. two grandparents, two aunts, my dad, other relatives, close friend's parents and relatives, cousins, even a softball team member. it makes my heart heavy to think of it.

how my life might be different a year from now.

I've been contacted for an august 2012 wedding. I'm not sure if she wants one shooter or two, yet. But then I though about the potential factors that I just don't have to consider yet that I might then. What if we're pregnant? What if we have a little bitty baby? Will we live in a house or will we still be in a townhouse? Will I still be working full time? What, if, when, how, why?

crazy...

why am I suddenly very interested in cooking everything random under the sun?

right now I'd like to make homemade marshmallows, graham crackers, my pizza from scratch, fried chicken, a lemon meringue pie, beer rolls, brew more of our own beer (yes, we brewed our own!) and perhaps also make my own chips or crackers or something on which I can spread cheese. oh yeah, and make some chevre or another soft cheese. jennifer and I successfully made mozzarella (pictures soon, I promise!) and I am SO proud of us for that, although we do need to hone our technique. and I did make cadbury creme egg brownies, too. I guess I'm all for new, strange recipes.

along that line, I want to redecorate my entire house.

okay, only sort of. I want to repaint the kitchen in a muted color (which isn't totally crazy since we're considering considering (yes, that double word was intentional) putting our home on the market). I want to go with a pretty paler muted yellow. That whole yellow-kitchens-catch-on-fire-thing be damned. Remove the bright yellow and orange and get a muted yellow. We shall see. And I want to paint our living room in a muted version of the spinach color we used. the littlest green wall in this post.

hair.

I'm slowly taking my hair to a color that's less red and more brown. these new vitamins are making it grow like a weed! and in the process I *think* I'm growing it longer. Like, put-in-a-bun-or-braid longer. It'll go in a teeny tiny ponytail now. we shall see. opinions appreciated. unless your opinion is "dye it blonde again." if that's the case, please kindly keep your thoughts to yourself :) No offense to you blondes out there! Y'see,I was a blonde-blonde for some of the worst moments of my life, AND I learned that people are not always very respectful of blondes in the engineering-type-workplace (or at least that they're less disrespectful to brunettes and redheads, ha!) so I am going to stay far away from blonde. Plus, it washes me out. :)

fry family vacay, 2011

highlights of the trip (in no particular order!):

1. meeting little alexis rose, the newest of my nieces.

2. getting to see katlyn's personality and finding out how awesome it is. she is such a precious little girl.

3. a billion hugs and kisses from bridget, who made us this ADORABLE sign saying she loved us(I think we'll be framing it) and who told aunt tonya that it's totally okay that bridget loves matt & me just a liiiiiittle bit more than any of her other aunts and uncles because matt and I gave her the really important job of being a flower girl in our wedding. (nevermind that is wasn't possible for anyone else to do that!)

4. french braiding katlyn and bridget's hair. and then tonya's. and then mine :)

5. seeing these wonderful folks that I got as family 'cause I put up will silly old Matt. ha! okay, well, they've always treated me like family (and I LOVE them for that) but it just makes my heart feel good to know that being a part of it is officially official. AND when the people called from the front desk and asked for "Mrs. Fry" I got to say "well, technically I'm one of them, but there are two others, and I think you want one of them."

6. playing outside with bridget and katlyn. pushing them on the swing, taking pictures of them playing and getting lots of hugs.

7. (this is possibly the most amazing part of all) successfully going to the beach for half an hour. I wore my spf50 cover-up the WHOLE time, and I put on spf110 sunblock (which does make a difference if you've got a complexion & allergy like mine!) and I wore my hat. But I actually helped build a sandcastle and somehow did not actually burn! WOOHOO!

ahem.

anyway, let's see some pictures, shall we?


love them. all of them. we missed trevor, but otherwise everyone was there, and it was splendidly splendid. :) I'm already looking forward to seeing many of these wonderful people at Christmas!

"she moves in such a way, I still fall in love with her every single day"

~sk6ers

We danced to that song in the kitchen last night for our anniversary. And we drank spumante from hillside winery, which we visited on our honeymoon. And we ate little cupcakes, too.

We went to eat at a local fancy-schmancy mexican restaurant, M3z (that 3 is an e!) and I love it. They have this unreal corn soup that I would gladly eat every day of my life. And delicious everything. And and and--on our reservation on 0pen t@ble, I noted that it was our anniversary. THREE of their staff members wished us happy anniversary and they brought us complimentary champagne! Super-full glasses, even. And when I asked the name of the champagne ('cause I liked it!) they actually brought us more--one of the mini-bottles that was about half full because it wouldn't fit in our glasses. It wasn't super-ritzy of course, but it was totally unnecessary and very generous of them!


After that, we drove to see if Mad Hatter's was open, but alas, no. So we got cupcakes at Whole Foods, and headed home. That's when we had the spumante, danced, ate the cupcakes and watched a show. Can you guess what it is? A hint: we watched it on the night we got engaged, on our honeymoon and when we got back to town after we got married. Second hint: it's in its last season. Third hint: it airs on fridays. :)


Please pardon the photos. I heart my iphone, but sometimes its picture quality is only so-so.

Oh and last but not least--the gifts :) I did three things for Matt, all written on pieces of paper. 1. I'm taking him to a movie on Saturday (he loves movies only slightly less than he loves soccer, which is only slightly less than he loves me. I call soccer his mistress.), 2. a new, nice watch ('cause the modern gift is clocks!) and 3. the very best one--I designed our wedding album! Okay, honestly I'm only through the ceremony, but I'm getting there and I'll be finishing it up this week!

And Matt? He knew all about the paper/clocks thing, but totally disregarded it because he wanted this first anniversary to be extra-special. He bought me something I've wanted for a long time--diamond earrings. He says there was tissue paper in the bag, so that counts! :) I was VERY surprised and totally impressed :) And I like that many moons from now I can tell people how my husband got them for me for our first wedding anniversary!

More about the weekend soon (yes, there's more!) but I had to share this today. Matt's definitely a keeper. :)

this time, a year ago....

I was on my way to Oklahoma. For our wedding.

And here we are, 361ish days later...and it has gone by so very, very fast.

For your first anniversary, the customary "traditional" gift is paper. And since it mimics the gift I got him a while ago that he loved so very, very much, I think I'm going to get him (slash us) a wedding album. We don't have one yet. (sidebar--the album I gave him for our two years of dating-iversary is his very favorite present I've ever given him, according to the questions fabulous renee and jessica asked before my bachelorette)

So, since he's out of town this weekend (and yes, that probably makes me the very most awesome wife in the universe for permitting my husband to go on a boy's trip the weekend of our first anniversary) I figure that's a splendid time for me to design it.

I have the photos and the design all picked out. I just have to DO it. But I think it will be a gift that he will love! Sadly, I won't be giving him the printed version on Sunday. I thought about it, but then decided that if I am shelling out for one of those really nice albums, then I need to let him see it before it goes to press.

I'm also thinking about getting him movie tickets for Friday night. Maybe for a late show, so I can go get a tattoo beforehand. Well, I *think* I'm getting a tattoo beforehand. I know I want a little little sunflower. What I don't know for sure is where...

I am seriously considering getting it on my left side, right below where my bra sits. Alternatively, I'm also thinking about above the elbow on the inside of my left arm. I want it to be somewhere that I can cover pretty easily, and I don't want it to show when I wear dresses or tank tops. And in case you just did the math--I only get tattoos on Good Friday. It's a thing. Good Friday 2003 and Good Friday 2007. And since I like odd numbers, perhaps it's fitting that I might get my final tattoo on Good Friday 2011.

ps: it is kind of hilarious to me when people look all shocked and amazed when they see my little nautilus shell poking out of my flat and say "you have a TATTOO????!?" I enjoy saying "yes, two." and I think I'll get an even bigger kick out of saying "yes, three!"

any suggestions? and any other ideas to add to the anniversary gift?

when I grow up.

little girl Carrie would have told you that she wanted to be a lawyer or an artist or a scientist when she grew up. She would have imagined a house with lots of rooms, pretty (but not fancy) things, a handsome husband, kitty cats, kiddos and a fruit bowl on the table. She would have told me I'd have lots of nice friends, that I'd go to church and that I would think bagels, fried chicken w/ mashed potatoes and corn and pumpkin pie were there best foods ever. And she would have told you that you should be nice to the world, nice to each other and that nothing was better than beating someone at Scrabble.

I suppose, to seven year old-ish me, I am all of those things. Not yet a mother (y'all know bring pregnant in Italy is soooooo off the table), but to her, I think I am, as my neighbor would say, "livin' the dream."

And it's funny because, well, I think I am. I was talking to my Granny last night (you know this can either be amazing or a total disaster ending in tears and super-analyzing a conversation, yes) and we ended up talking about money. About not spending $250/night on a hotel room in Italy because it was foolish, and because I'm not taking the kind of vacation where you spend money like that. We talked a little about how wealth is all in your mindset--Matt and I have plenty. We pay the bills every month, we have some savings, we indulge and scrimp depending on the time, and we though sometimes we fail at this, we try not to complain about our lot in life. Because, well, we've got it good.

But it also got me thinking about how little Carrie would be blown away by my paycheck today, and how I should remember to be thankful even when I'm not feeling so thankful. When my stepdad was the breadwinner for six people, he made less money per year, after having worked for decades, than I got at my first job out of college. And although I vividly remember crying hysterically when my mom couldn't buy the beautiful box set of prang art supplies, and I often loaned my parents my babysitting savings the three or four days before his next paycheck came in, I never felt like I was lacking. We always had the air conditioning on somewhere in the house (usually in the living room only), and we didn't have central heat until I was in high school, but some days I secretly hope our next house has floor vents, only so I can stand over them to warm up.

Anyway, this all brings me to the title of the post...because I don't feel like a grown up. I mean, yeah, I pay for my financial obligations and dental work and clothe and feed myself and all--but I don't feel like a grown up. I look at other people who are in their early/mid thirties and some of them I totally regard as a grown up, and some of them I don't. And I can't quite put my finger on it--I mean, mom jeans are totally a tell--but barring that, what makes one 30 year-old a grown up and the other not?

Maybe one day I'll wake up and feel like a grown up. Maybe I need a yard or a baby or a promotion or to not be in a workstation. Maybe it's something else. Maybe I'll never feel like a grown up (and in a way, how wonderful might that be?). I'll keep you posted. :)

Anyone else feel this way? Or have they had the moment that made them realize they were a grown up? And I'm not talking about too loud of music or whatever--that's just getting older, ha!

flash back to november 2006

I was in need of a couch. I was in a sad place in life. (relatively for me, I should say. clearly my level of sad doesn't even compare to many other horrible things going on in the world. but anyway...)

And my fabulous amazing friend, my dear Mary Alise, took me to Richmond. You can read about the full encounter here. It was during this trip that I bought my most favoritest-est-est shoes I own (see their cameo in my October is Awesome series?) and, even more importantly, found the couch of my dreams.

Okay, that miiiiight be a bit much. I mean, I know I sound doubtful in the post--but it was doubtful about spending the cash, not doubtful about the couch.

But now? Now, four years and four months later, that couch resides in our humble abode. Officially. We registered for it and asked for gift cards for our wedding. In July we actually went to sit on it when we visited Renee and Mike in Atlanta (and Jessica and Cody were there too!) and Matt fully gave the thumbs up.

We got swatches. We waited. And waited. And used our C&B registry coupon to lower the price of set couch when we finally ordered it in November.


And now? It's here! And it's Hazel approved, see? :)

I love love LOVE it. I was so worried I wouldn't like it in that space, but it is GORGEOUS there. I love how it's leggy. I love how you can see more of our adorably cute rug from the dining area and the kitchen. That really makes me happy.

And it is SO much better than our old couch. It's great that the fabric is darker, that it looks better in the room, that it's wider so we could even fit four people on it if we wanted, and, for me, the best part is that it means you can see our rug from the back side too! (excuse the turned up corner!)

Some time I will also have to show you our couch that we bought from Nicole and Dave--it's light blue microsuede and a sleeper and totally cute. It's in our "basement" along with two other couches that will soon be departing from our home--one is a 7+-year-old Ike@ Klipp@n loveseat that was used when I got it, and the other Michelle and I got for $85 from one of our neighbors many years ago.

They both did their job, but neither is in great shape and we have definitely gone from the hand-me-down/used/will-do-for-now look to a much better, more grown up look. Our house is starting to look like we are actual grownups. Hurrah! :)

Now I must decide--do I recover my accent chairs? Do I buy new ones? I think I need to start looking at fabrics. And I think I need to make some accent pillows!