i love baby snuggles.

And they are what's getting me through this.

Cleona fed from 4-7am. I had a breakdown. Matt came home after teaching so he could watch her while I slept. This was NECESSARY. And I am grateful.

When he came to wake me so I could shower before the KD event (I'm an advisor and really needed to be there) he put Cleona down beside me to be cute since we were both wearing while. Immediately he said "wow, this is the calmest she has been in the last hour!"

Oh, the power of the momma. :)

We decided to try to nurse side-lying. And let me tell you--it combines cuddles AND relaxing. We will totally do it again.

Time for sleeping now. Fingers crossed that the growth spurt is coming to an end!

okay, really?!

This growth spurt is turning me into a sleepy, punchy monster.

Also Auntie Jen and I said the Fresh Prince of Bel Aire theme song to Cleona in a storytelling voice today. It was fabulous. You should try it.

This lack of sleep is making me punchy. I feel drained. Literally AND figuratively. Cleona had been sleeping until some time between 5 and 6 most days. Now she is up at 4. She is overtired and so am I. :( if she wakes up at 8 again we are all in big trouble.

holy crazy growth spurt, batman!

On the second night after coming home from the hospital (so Sunday night) Cleona cluster fed. She ate about every 45-70 min for four hours. It meant she slept/stopped for like 10-30 min each time before wanting to eat again. It was AWFUL. Thankfully, the pedi told us how to get her to do that in the day instead of the night. Plus I knew how much she needed it, and my milk was coming in, so it was tolerable.

She has had a couple of growth spurts now but this one takes the cake. LOTS of feeding. Last night she basically fed for 2.5 hours straight. I'm blogging at 6am because she just finished feeding from ~440 until now. CRAZY.

I need a nap. Hopefully she is done for real and I can get some sleep.

Also, if I needed motivation to learn to nurse on my side, this is totally it. YAWN.

since all I can talk about is babies...

I'm going to talk about not-babies. Ready?

Even more so than I was before, I am OBSESSED with sparkling water. I found a local farmer who makes syrups to put in unflavored sparkling water, and I have an actual bevy of flavors of l@ croix waters too. Yes, I said bevy.

I am currently reading aloud to the smallest person in our household (I avoided the word baby, SEE?!?!)  I was going to read her Charlotte's Web since it was once upon a time my very favorite book, and was also the first chapter book I read by myself. (an aside--I read the book in like a week in first grade. we were supposed to read along with the class. and I got in TROUBLE for being ahead in reading. this was a trend. third grade, fifth grade, tenth grade...and many times between, I am sure. learning faster than your classmates is, apparently, horrid at TPS. yeah, yeah, I get the whole discipline part of things, but for reals?!)

However...I couldn't find my copy or get one for my kindle. And I chose it because of the awesome vocab in it. So instead? Bill Bryson's A Short History of Nearly Everything. Terribly sciencey, a huge vocab used in the book and right now? She doesn't care. So I'm reading it. And omitting his cussing. :)

Oh, remember this? Yeah, I am crazy obsessed with mellowcreme pumpkins right now. Like, I've eaten four bags (with help) since they  came out.

The other night, I ate a whoopie pie, had a glass of wine and held the smallest human in the house. And I talked about mason jars. It was like I suddenly became southern.

BOULEVARD WHEAT is HERE, friends! In one year my fave icecream AND fave beer arrived in my state. Not to mention my favorite daughter, favorite aunt, favorite in-laws, favorite all sorts of things. I probably sounded like a raging alcoholic when I expressed my enthusiasm...and since buying it have had one beer. But seriously....it's imported from KANSAS :) And it makes me happy. Mission for tomorrow: buy a lemon and REALLY have one!

I am such--nay, SUCH--a mom. It took me forever to come up with things to mention so as to avoid discussing breastmilk and pumps and bottles and pumping bras. And that's just the list on a single subject!

oh, the cuteness.

Sometimes I lose track of time just staring at this cuteness. Sometimes I forget the outside world entirely.

I feel like maybe the sleep deprivation has something to do with it. But I also know I get more sleep than most. She's sleeping 6 hour stretches most nights, which is freaking fantastic! I never knew I'd be so grateful for six hours of sleep!

But anyway, back to the cuteness...

so, when I wrote last....

I was probably in early labor (and didn't know it).

Cleona was still in my belly, my feet were horribly swollen and I weighed 22 more pounds.

The shot glasses in our house were very rarely used. 

Now....

She is here and five and a half weeks old! (labor story, pictures, etc to follow)

I am only 5 lbs over my pre-pregnancy weight wit with basically no effort-and was at week 3 (don't hate me). Apparently most of my weight that wasn't baby/placenta/fluid was retained water!

I have used every single shot glass in our house. Yep, all of em. For feeding her breastmilk when I pump before feeding (this is unusual, I will explain later)


She is sleeping so that means I need to sleep too. More soon (for realizes, before I forget it all!)

I gave up on the thirty in thirty.

sorry. I wanted to do it, really I did. And I am enjoying reading what others are writing. But I'm not gonna go back and catch up, and what I *really* want to be doing isn't blogging a 30 in 30.

I need to blog the rest of our weeks over here...

and I wanna make more of these. (which I'm selling some of here)

and I wanna nap every chance I get. :)

I also have two books I want to finish (one about breastfeeding--I'm on "natural law" 5 of 7! and the second in the Deborah H@rkness series) 

and I have aspirations of finishing the crib skirt tonight! (we'll see if that happens. it's not urgent. she won't stay in there for months, anyway!)

and I think I'd like to find/create an end-of-pregnancy-blog-summary thing to do. maybe? maybe.  we shall see.

also, things I might be discussing soon:

birth plans
flower pictures
placenta encapsulation
sewing
when you become a mother (hint: the answer is not, IMHO, when you give birth!)
aaaaaand a recipe.

yep. I know you're waiting with bated breath :)

thirty things in august. eleven.

ten pet peeves...

1. pronouncing basic words incorrectly (e.g. "axe" instead of "ask" or "warsh" instead of "wash")

2. talking in the theatre. :)

3. not using "I" sentences when confronting someone. (e.g. "I feel that..." instead of "you...")

4. saying "I'm sorry you're upset." ooooh this one burns my grits.

5. dishonesty.

6. copy cats.

7. not sharing.

8. people who cut in line.

9. people who don't use their turn signals. (seriously hate this)

10. making assumptions.

thirty things in august. ten.

describe your most embarrassing moment.

I'm sure I have one. It's not coming to me, though. I put my foot in my mouth a lot. I used to say I was horribly humiliated when, at the age of 3, Anna decided to jump into a mall fountain and we had to walk around in the Arizona heat until she was dry, and we were dressed just alike.

If I come up with something better I'll share...right now...I got nothin'.

thirty things in august. nine.

list ten people who have influenced you and describe how.

(in no particular order)

1. my mother. my super-hippie, far-out-saying mother. I could say so much--but instead I'll just leave it at: she encouraged me to be me, taught me to be compassionate toward others, and urged me to achieve everything I possibly could. :)

2. my grandmother. I kind of want to give her a papercut and pour lemon juice on it at this very moment (oh, family) but I know that in the grand scheme of life, I am fortunate to have had such a wonderful relationship with her. she taught me to live like you're wealthy while spending like you're poor, and always encouraged generosity.

3. my k@ydee sisters. all of them. each of them. individually, collectively. I am SO thankful for them every single day.

4. sterling. I met him in first grade. he was my first kiss and first boyfriend. and he understands my particular brand of crazy. :) he has always encouraged me to pursue art (at one point going so far as to tell me that I should put down the camera and pick up a paint brush--and not pick up the camera again until I'd painted my 100th painting. he took that back, eventually...) and reminds me of my roots.

5. jessica and renee. though they influence me individually, I talk of them collectively, because that's how we roll. they taught me the importance of making new friends but keeping the old. they have been there for me in the rockiest times of my life. and they listened when I shared physics lessons with them while driving around a curve, or told them of the wonders of fluid dynamics--which pretty much taught me what a true friendship is. :)

6. my youth leaders. I had one influence me in a very positive way and another in an extremely negative way. Jenny encouraged me to learn more, to embrace my inquisitiveness and to be fun even when things were not so fun. David was...well, a lot of negative words come to mind. I think the most valuable lesson he taught me was to trust my gut--it was right about him and has been right about a lot of things since.

7. my science teachers, particularly mrs. vincent, my 3rd grade science teacher and mrs. wakeley, my 6th grade science teacher. they both shared their love of science, which is what sparked and kindled *my* love of science. mrs. vincent gave me an award that ultimately set me on my career path (I got to attend a science camp at TU on scholarship because I was the best science student for my grade that year--and the award usually went to a guy, so that was pretty kickin too) and referred me for an AWESOME tutoring job when I was a senior in college. mrs. wakeley and I still communicate--our families got to know one another well when her son was on my brother's soccer team and they became good friends. I think mrs wakeley is what really made me feel like I could positively benefit the environment. The seed was there, but the earth club, which she oversaw, was what really solidified it for me.

8. my granddaddy. he taught me the value of patience, of puns, of surprises and of kindness.

9. mrs benson. she taught me to write and write well. and instilled a confidence in me for which I'll always be grateful. and would make me blush or make me frustrated on purpose, which helped me take things more lightly in the long run.

10. my fabulous husband. matt has encouraged me in so many facets of my life. which is exactly what a husband should do, yes? he supports it all--I mean, this is the man who said of our trip to Italy that the only souvenir he wanted, really, was the pictures that I would take while we were there. If we left with nothing else, that would still be plenty for him. He supports and encourages me and praises my accomplishments.

thirty things in august. eight.

five passions that I have...

hmm. not sure how to answer this one. I'm going to go with five things about which I am passionate.

1. inclusivity. I don't care for groups/events/etc that exclude others. (yes, I'm aware that I am in a sorority. I have a long answer about why this is okay. I'll explain in person if you wanna know) This is totally my mother's fault, and I think I am a better person for it. I want everyone to have the opportunity to participate, because I don't want anyone's feelings to get hurt.

2. the environment. climate change is real, folks. and there's a LOT we could be doing to help ourselves out in the long run. when asked about my political opinions, I would probably say that 75% of my choices depend on the candidate's environmental views/policies. It is a BIG deal to me.

3. art/creativity. I could talk about this for a long time. this includes music too. we need to encourage and support it.

4. eating local. SO easy to do. so much better for the environment. SO much better for you. and keeps money in your area. do it!

5. beer. need I say more? :)

thirty things in august. seven.

what is my dream job and why?

if mine paid a little better and I had an office and a room I could use as a studio at home, I think this would be it.

I love my day job. LOVE. I am doing something worthwhile, I help make the air we breathe cleaner, my company has an excellent vision (and actually follows it) and my coworkers are great! I wish I had an office and I wish I got paid a little more. But my job makes my heart happy, so I'll take it.

And my on-the-side job, photography? Yep, it's pretty kickin too!

I tell people that in ideal-land I would work at my engineering job part time. 3 or 4 days a week. And do more photography. But I don't really want to do just one or the other! I love them both!

So how lucky am I that I'm kind of livin' my dream, hmmm?

thirty things in august. six.

the hardest thing I've ever experienced....

I think we're going to keep this one short and vague. The process of being horribly unhappy, getting a divorce and re-establishing myself in a place that I'd only moved to because of my ex was decidedly the hardest thing I've ever experienced. I think it's fair to say that I've not led a life that's all sunshine and daisies, so I feel like I have a reasonable way to gauge things.

But yeah. that.

lucky for me, it all turned out wonderfully in the end! :)

thirty things in august. five.

the five things that make me the most happy right now...


1. all things having to do with growing my little girl (except, like, swelling feet, swellings hands and back pain, and the like). I love feeling her kick and move. and I love it when Matt gives the belly a kiss at night and says "goodnight little 'na"
2. in a related vein to #1--NEWBORN PROPS. oh goodness. I have gone overboard a smidge. and I am totally okay with that. it's a business investment, yes?
3. tin roof icecream. bought in north carolina! I still can't believe that they finally, finally sell blue bell icecream in my neck of the woods. AND that we managed to find two gallons of tin roof. I've been hoarding it, honestly. thank goodness for our upright freezer!
4. having crafty ideas in my head and having them turn out fabulously. e.g. the cleona name banner and the little leaves on the headbands I made her. ooh, and painting the buffet aged copper (although it's made Matt curse a lot in the process) and painting that $17 piece of furniture from upstairs a color called "violet aster." Carrie = laeta!
5. fresh north carolina peaches. yummmmm-city!

thirty things in august. four.

List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.

1. The majority of people in Oklahoma are super-conservative, even if they appear to be normal to you. Broaden your horizons.
2. All this working-your-butt-off you're doing is worth it in the long run. I promise.
3. You are building friendships right now that will last your entire life. And that's pretty awesome!
4. Pink is a pretty color on you. Decide to wear it already!
5. Please don't sell yourself short. You've a tendency to do that.
6. Remember that the gas gauge in the impala doesn't work. This will save you a very embarrassing moment in the future!
7. Create more. Art, photos, whatever. Embrace this side of yourself.
8. It is not worth the time or emotional drain of getting caught up in the high school crazy. Try your best to just ride the wave instead of get caught in the undertow.
9. Contrary to popular believe, these are not the "best days of your life." Enjoy them, for sure, but know it gets even better.
10. When you get your sewing machine and learn how to make a pillowcase with french seams, don't stop there. Have your mom teach you more!

thirty things in august. three.

Describe your relationship with your parents.

When my father was alive, the relationship was, in a word...strained. He had the best intentions and deep inside I believe he had a good heart, but he had a lot of....let's go with the word "problems." I still find myself thinking about lessons he taught me (e.g. if you call yourself the same negative thing enough times, you will start thinking it, or that getting angry is a choice you make.

My mother is a super-hippie. I am in the role of her sort-of-financial caretaker/money-doler-outer. It is awkward. But I'm also the best choice of her children to fill this job. We're determined to not let it affect our relationship. Other than this issue, my mother and I are pretty close and alike in many ways. It makes me sad that we live far apart and that she won't be here to meet her first grandchild on the day CeeCee is born. 

thirty things in august. two.

Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

Y'all realize this some parts of this post are gonna be "heavy" right?

1. I have a fear of my house catching on fire. My father died in a house fire the spring of my freshman year. When Matt and I moved in together and I was having panic attacks and taking ambien to sleep, I made him promise that he would get me up and help me out of the house if our house caught fire in the middle of the night.

2. I have a fear of falling down the stairs and breaking my neck. Let's get real for a second: I am excessively clumsy. I have fallen down the stairs many many times. I trip going up and down. I worry that I won't always be lucky enough to only end up with bruises during my mishaps!

3. I have a fear of flying bugs. Sort of. It's more like I fear wasps and bees (I've never been stung by either and worry that I'm allergic to one or both) and then I get seriously startled by all the rest. I don't like them in my "space!" I used to not be as worried, and I'm not sure how it jumped from annoyance to full on freak out...

thirty things in august. numero uno.

apparently this is a thing (though I find myself wonderful why it isn't 31...since august has 31 days.)

the first is list 20 random things about yourself. ready?



1. I am an identical, mirror image twin.
2. I loathe mayo. Seriously. I will occasionally eat it if it's in a recipe and I can't actually taste it. but otherwise, ewww.
3. I love buying local. Local food especially.
4. I have always loved to read. Sometimes I find it challenging that Matt does not love to read--but we have learned to agree to disagree on that one. :)
5. I credit this blog and my readers for making me pursue being a professional photographer. It was this post, right here, that set the wheels in motion...that ultimately led me to where I am today!
6. I love my two cats, Gobi and Hazel, a whole whole lot. They make me really happy. However, since adopting them I have learned that I am mildly allergic to cats!
7. My sister, two brothers, mother and I all have different religions. And all speak to one another! My mom considers this one of her greatest achievements.
8. I cannot wait to teach my little girl all sorts of things. We are going to have SO much fun!
9. I joined the church choir when I was in high school. I was told to try singing soprano. We had one particularly high piece that I just couldn't do, so I got moved to alto. I had fun singing alto and learned that I could sing quite low. However, when I was 26 my good friend Kevin informed me that no, I was actually a soprano after all. He was correct. But because I sang alto for so long, I can sing either part (and often learn both when we do Easter/Christmas music so I can fill in as needed)
10. My favorite color changes. I think my friend Mark got it right when he said my favorite color is "spectrum." I'd tell you it's green right now--but I've actually been really drawn to all things orange recently.
11. I sometimes decide to just change things about myself that I don't like, or that I don't think give others a positive impression of who I am. (e.g. deciding when I was 10-ish that I didn't want to have an accent when I realized I was saying "our" and "are" the same way)
12. I have a really ridiculous obsession with pens. I think that I could, quite literally, never buy a pen again, and never buy any pens for any of my future children, and we would STILL have ink left at the end of their lives.
13. I am currently a fruit-a-holic. I eat SO MUCH of it. It's the baby, I tell ya. But I have always loved fruit. My mom tells me that when I was little I was always the happiest when we had a bowl of fruit on our table.
14. I want to have four children. Matt thinks this might make me certifiable. Even though we both come from four-child families.
15. I struggle with providing my opinion without sounding like a know-it-all or sounding condescending. I am not a know-it-all and I don't mean to be condescending, but sometimes it comes out that way. :(
16. I am a very literal person.
17. I love working in colorful spaces. My cube it covered in photos. The middle floor of my house has seven different paint colors (eight if you count the bathroom). I LOVE color.
18. I have a deep appreciation for all things vintage. I think that three of my most-favorite vintage items I have are my china cabinet (the first piece of furniture I've ever lusted after), my blue vase that belonged to Cleona Carrie--after whom my daughter and I are both named, and a vintage tablecloth given to me by Rosemary, which they used at her house growing up.
19. I still have all of my science fair ribbons from when I was a kid. Even from elementary school.
20. I still wish on stars. :)

I never knew I'd be so excited to meet someone...

Cleona could be here tomorrow. Or in 43 days. Or somewhere in between. This little girl has shown her personality to us from early on in utero. We learned that she is stubborn, for sure (and she comes by that honestly--Matt and I are both very stubborn people). We've learned that she's sassy, and she's a mover and a shaker. And apparently leans towards liberal. (No really, I've got physical proof--if you check out my left side and right side of my body, you'll see that I have about 8x more stretch marks on my left side of my hips/torso/chest than the right--because this little girl--wait for it...--leans left!)

All silliness aside, I find myself wondering what she will look like all the time. Will she get her daddy's eyelashes? My ears? Will her hair be straight or a little wavy? Heck, will she even HAVE hair?? What about her nose--there's a lot of noses she could inherit.

And will she be outgoing and loud like her mommie or a little more reserved but also a cut-up like her daddy? Will she be a leader? An observer? An uber-nerd like both of her parents?

What will she do with her life? Who will she become? What will her favorite color(s) be? Will she sing and dance or play soccer or be a bookworm--or all of those things?

Only time will tell.

Pregnancy has been a long process for me/us. We've been preparing to meet this girl for going on two years--from the moment I visited my doctor and said "okay, tell me about this whole going-off-the-pill thing...." We've been planning and anticipating, scheduling and determining, hoping and praying and really, spent a heck of a lot of time wondering.

And then we finally got that positive sign...and although I've spent the past 8 months growing a human being, I haven't spent all of them thinking about how I was going to get to meet her--like, really really meet her, because at some points it was just too much to think about.

But now I think about the first time we will see her face. And it makes me smile and brings tears to my eyes. And then--after a very appropriately timed kick or round of hiccups from inside my belly--I smile even bigger.

:)

things I didn't understand until I was pregnant...

baby brain.

it's real, folks. like, no joke, honest-to-goodness, for reals. if I want to do something I need to DO IT. and pronto. or else it'll never happen. I've been forgetting words. Or saying words where one syllable matches the word I want and the other doesn't. it's bizarre.

people keep telling me that your brain never comes back. I am hoping they are mistaken. My Aunt Ellen told me that it comes back but takes a long long while. I'm going to hope that's the case.

barefoot and pregnant (in the kitchen)

for whatever reason I always thought this was also a comment on social status or a comment from the 50s. or something.

um, no. not at all. do you know why they say barefoot and pregnant?? it's because your feet--they swell. they well in the kind of way where your shoes leave big ol' imprints in your feet. If you're particularly lucky like I am, those imprints hang around for a bit after they are there. it's delightful.

(oh and PS thanks for the suggestions Maria and Cassie! Cassie, I have some banana and spinach or kale pretty much daily (in my green smoothie) but I bought some bananas to eat by themselves! and Maria, my doc said no-go on the compression socks. Apparently we'd rather my feet swell than me overheat. Also, I don't have pants that are even remotely comfortable that are also work appropriate, so there's that. BUT I will keep them in mind for next time, especially if we have a baby in cooler weather)

people will look at you like you are crazy for your choices.

and it doesn't matter what they are.

I would've loved to have a home birth. there are a multitude of reasons we aren't going that route including that I tend to have the weird medical problems and that we've never done this so we haven't a clue what labor will be like for me. instead, we are going to the hospital (statistically normal) and having our baby there.

however, we have hired a doula (statistically not normal) and I am doing everything in my power to have a totally natural/unmedicated birth (statistically not normal, at least in the past 3 generations). I have gotten a LOT of input on this--including from my doctor yesterday who said "well, a lot of women find that once they're in labor their plans change." which, admittedly could totally happen, BUT at the same time? natural childbirth aligns with my entire life philosophy. so, while I totally get that I might change my mind, or need an epidural for a number of different totally legit reasons, I don't think my core values are going to uproot themselves and be replaced by something more mainstream. also? my mom had twins and two ten pound boys without any drugs. I think it's definitely possible.

we plan to cloth diaper (again, unusual but gaining popularity, and totally what everyone did a few decades ago) and breastfeed for 12 months if at all possible, and anyway. yeah. I get that some things are less orthodox/mainstream. but daaaang.

growing a human being is pretty friggin incredible!

I have had many moments where pregnancy is totally not fun. I will spare you the details, and instead just say that literally since three days after the test was positive (and heck, even beforehand, when the test kept saying negative month after month) pregnancy has definitely had some "downs." But recently I can't help but keep thinking--I am creating a person. Like, growing and developing a HUMAN BEING. Clearly you can't get pregnant on your own, and please don't think I'm ignoring the whole divine plan thing, but I eat food and my body takes some of it and develops a brain or lungs or blood or skin or digestive organs, etc. I am the sole source of nutrients and support and LIFE for this little girl. Often when she gives a little kick or sticks her bottom out, I get this ridiculous grin on my face--because for one, there's a BABY in my belly and she gets to come home and live with us for a long long time. And for two, I can already tell that all of the "downs" from the last 8 months (and before) were totally worth it--because I have grown a human being. And if she were born today (which I sincerely hope she isn't! PLEASE wait!) she would very likely survive! It just, it blows my mind.

It's pretty powerful stuff. I must admit that sometimes when I get down and out (because my hips hurt, my feet are swelling, my nose is spreading, I miss beer, I can only eat half of a sandwich at a time, etc) I remind myself that I work harder in my sleep than most people work all day--and that I have grown a PERSON.


I am carrying my potential future grandchildren.

my friend courtney pointed this out to me--females are born having all of the eggs they'll ever have, right? which means all of cleona's eggs are already in her body, right now, just hanging out. a handful of those eggs will potentially become children some day. WHOA.